Nether Regions of the Mind

Office Pain.

2011-03-09T17:47:00.000-08:00

My new animation short entitled Office Pain. It is the story of Collin finding out that his wife Lilian is having an affair with their mutual office colleague named Darrel.

GoAnimate.com: Office Pain. by joshhinck

Like it? Create your own at GoAnimate.com. It's free and fun!

Come listen, watch or otherwise partake in much more art on my home site.

4 New Songs for Mad Hatters' Review

2011-02-11T13:20:00.000-08:00

I have created 4 new songs for issue #12 of Mad Hatters' Review! Three songs are with Sheila E. Murphy reading her poetry and one song is for Matina L. Stamatakis poems. Come listen to them or partake in much more art on my home site.

Living While Falling teaser 1

2010-11-22T18:12:00.001-08:00

Click to Play

This is the first teaser for Living While Falling and features some of the musical scoring of Josh Hinck aka euphoreador. ; Living While Falling is a 60 minute narrative film about a young man who begins to see other possibilities, other paths of fate, as though they are right before his eyes. Some of these visions are as harmless as a change in hairstyle or wardrobe, but some may change the course of his life forever. Does everything rely on random chance, or does he still have the ability to make choices when he can not be sure what is happening in the world around him?
The film represents several years of effort by many talented young filmmakers working together when the strange demands of real life would allow it. If you watch one no-budget psychological drama with great actors and high definition excitement this year, make it Living While Falling!

Living While Falling teaser 2

2010-11-22T18:09:00.001-08:00

Click to Play

This is the second teaser for Living While Falling and features some of the musical scoring of Josh Hinck aka euphoreador. ; Living While Falling is a 60 minute narrative film about a young man who begins to see other possibilities, other paths of fate, as though they are right before his eyes. Some of these visions are as harmless as a change in hairstyle or wardrobe, but some may change the course of his life forever. Does everything rely on random chance, or does he still have the ability to make choices when he can not be sure what is happening in the world around him?
The film represents several years of effort by many talented young filmmakers working together when the strange demands of real life would allow it. If you watch one no-budget psychological drama with great actors and high definition excitement this year, make it Living While Falling!See the full movie here http://vimeo.com/16136305

Burning - Precipice Dance Theater

2010-10-28T10:02:00.000-07:00

Burning - Precipice Dance Theater

The 2002 performance for Risa Cohen's Precipice Dance Theater at the Theater de la Jeune Lune for the art/performance party 360 : A Revolutionary Dance Party brings together the aerial artistry and sensual motion of acclaimed dancer and choreographer, Risa Cohen, and the video and partial original music of artist and musician, Josh Hinck, into a powerful lyric narrative dance performance of overcoming one's inner demons to flicker through the "Burning" as a phoenix rising to new heights of self awareness and intimacy. Choreography & Direction - Risa Cohen, Josh Hinck; Performers - Risa Cohen, Bill Gladen, Heather Prazich, John Morris; Original Music & Video - Josh Hinck; Set design - Ron Holevas, Josh Hinck

For more of my posts, art and music visit me here.

Living While Falling

2010-10-25T17:43:00.000-07:00

Living While Falling

Living While Falling from Ian Hinck on Vimeo.

Living While Falling is a 60 minute narrative film about a young man who begins to see other possibilities, other paths of fate, as though they are right before his eyes. Some of these visions are as harmless as a change in hairstyle or wardrobe, but some may change the course of his life forever. Does everything rely on random chance, or does he still have the ability to make choices when he can not be sure what is happening in the world around him?

The film represents several years of effort by many talented young filmmakers working together when the strange demands of real life would allow it. If you watch one no-budget psychological drama with great actors and high definition excitement this year, make it Living While Falling!

Josh Hinck composed about half of the musical score for the film.

For more of my posts, art and music visit me here.

Bigotry Alive and Well in the Home of the Brave

2010-08-26T14:43:00.000-07:00

America is definitely no estranged peddler when it comes to the likes of bigotry, persecution and racism. It has been present since the first Europeans stepped off their boats and onto this promised land. Most of the immigrants to this country, and let us not forget that the vast majority of our population has immigrants somewhere in their family history, were people fleeing persecution of one kind or another if not precisely religious in nature. I am not very sure how this comes to be that because someone themselves is second generation or beyond they feel they have more rights than people just arriving in basically the exact way that their ancestors did before them. Take the Nativist movement mainly in New England in the 1840's to the mid 1850's known as the 'Know Nothing Party'. These bigots not unlike those of today had various and heavy batches of fear and hatred directed against German and Irish Catholic immigrants. These bigots feared that the Pope would be controlling the waves of immigrants through Bishops that were hand selected by the Pope himself. These fears may have been assuaged some over time but did rear their ugly head when the first possibly electable Catholic, John F. Kennedy, was chasing the reigns of the presidency. People at that time were still afraid that the Pope would be in direct control of Kennedy. In 1960 Kennedy had to even address these unwarranted fears and publicly stated, "I am not the Catholic candidate for President. I am the Democratic Party's candidate for President who also happens to be a Catholic. I do not speak for my Church on public matters — and the Church does not speak for me."

I didn't mean for this to become a defense of Catholicism, because there are some Catholic Church elements that I have to disagree with ie. condom usage, homosexuality, celibacy etc., but just wanted to illustrate a direct line of bigotry that now has shifted onto yet another minority group; Muslims. It's as if the bully of the playground (being the definite and tangible part of a majority group) needed yet again someone or something to rail against because their lives are shitty at home. I guess that may be more understandable during this recession but it still evades my mind why people would bully a minority group as opposed to directing their anger and energy, I don't know, maybe at the people, businesses, Wall Street faux gurus and Republican representatives that brought us into this recession. Let us also not forget that one of the United Sates' most infamous hate groups, the KKK, not only was renowned for the lynching of Blacks but was in addition anti-Catholic as well.

Here's a little more on the bigotry link of our Land of the Free. Let's travel back for a second to the Colony of Virginia in 1642. When in that year they passed a law that banned Catholics from settling in the colony. The Massachusetts Bay Colony enacted a similar law a few years later and found some of its resident Puritans murdering Jesuits. Don't forget that it was the Puritans who fled religious persecution on The Mayflower only to get to the new world where some of that group took up the flag of bigotry and persecuted others sometimes in murderous fashion.

Here is the 1st Amendment to the US Constitution.

Amendment 1 - Freedom of Religion, Press, Expression. Ratified 12/15/1791.

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.

Ok, now let's look at this Islamic center that might be built in New York City that everyone is up in arms over. Some people are saying that even though it is within the rights of the Muslims that wish to build the center that they shouldn't because it needlessly will offend too many people. First of all, get over it. That excuse is being used by many other cities and towns across America to try to prevent the construction of Mosques in their townships. Seriously if a religious group can't build a place to peaceably assemble and worship in one place there is really nothing that people wouldn't say to stop the mosques from being built anywhere. In fact they would then have a new precedent. Everyone would point to the halting of construction of the Islamic Center in New York as viable reason to not allow other constructions.

I have been hearing some Republicon pundits as well as large figures in the conservative movement ie. Newt Gingrich that have been changing the slant of their bigotry with the espousing that Islam is not a religion but rather a philosophy and so therefore, I guess in their twisted reality, is ok to perpetrate their slanderous and hateful prejudice against. Calling Islam not a religion is probably akin to calling Christianity a philosophy. I would suggest that maybe we reduce ALL religions to philosophies but alas that won't happen so how can we reduce any of them. Islam is based basically on many of the exact elements that Christianity is. Both built off of a Jewish foundation. Some people are saying that Sharia would take the place of US law and therefore come to control all Muslims. First off there is such a myriad of beliefs and reverence to Sharia Law that it can only be looked at as similar to the immensity of varying viewpoints and the implementation of the beliefs by various Christian denominations. No single any faith or person has everything right. Never.

Why would the construction of the Islamic Center be a victory for Islamic Fundamentalists? Even if the same exact people who brought us the devastation on 9/11 were the same people trying to build the center, I would say let them. There is no greater victory over insane religious or political fervor than by just persevering through their crap as respectful and tolerant members of a free society. How will it seriously look to Muslims around the world as well as to Islamic Fundamentalists if in this, the Land of the Free, we behave like and are as non-tolerant as how some of the Right-Wing conservative pundits claim all Muslims to be. This above and beyond would send the wrong message. Not only to our enemies, real and imagined but also to ourselves and the next generations of humans everywhere. What we need to do is to have more open discussions between faiths and philosophies as well as more adherence to the word of law.

- Josh Hinck -

For more of my posts, art and music visit me here.

What Are You Looking For

2010-02-18T17:15:00.001-08:00

Track 7 from the euphoreador late 2009 release called 'adrift'. When idealizing love this can lead to many problems such as madness and severe misconceptions that don't exist in the real world but only in the idyllic. Also when fantasizing on past experiences one can be led down a round of escalating depression. However when we face the truth about love it may be painful at points but also the most redeeming aspect to existence. (A special thanks to Jovonn Mercier for the use of her great photos!!)

For more of my posts, art and music visit me here.

Too Far to be Remembered

2010-01-01T16:58:00.000-08:00

Track 1 from the late December 2009 euphoreador release entitled adrit.

Too far to be Remembered

Looking into the past
Is like looking fast
Into the future

I’ve been sifting through truths
Of genealogy and gin
And gynecological irregularities
And preponderance of mystical lands
Lie under the further sands

Even though they slip away
It haunts this day

Well I’m just too far away
To be remembered
My little voice did say
As my visage blurred

Day in day out
A little more
Night into keeping
What you do
Day in day out
How oft do I think
About the real
Came from
And not where
We’re going
What do we do
In this temporal flesh
With each other’s empathy
Filled in anguish
If we hanged her onto
That ethical barrier
I mean if we gave a fuck

It’s better to think now than when you can’t think anymore

view my website for more art
or a free version of this song

The Mush and the Might

2010-01-01T16:55:00.000-08:00

Track 2 from the late December 2009 euphoreador release entitled adrit.

The Mush and the Might

The spout of your mouth
Like a river of currency
You say behave
And I say let’s get dirty
I want to breed

Circling our minds
Trouble and temptation
Some say the bold and the beautiful
Are inert elite
I just say go fuck yourself
Cause the people who care
Are better everywhere

Sacrosanct silver and grime
When out of the sorrow’s song
Long flung you brung

You better run before you get killed
But the hole in the ground
Has already been filled
With the mush and the might
Of a sorrowful sight
Of us all pretending to be right

If it taints then it won’t be gold
If it breaks we can no longer hold
Them precious foolery
Along with trivial things

Sounds like every
Embattlement
Sounds like a barrow
Well come bare in mind
And let you see

THE WHORE OF HUMANITY

You better run before you get killed
But the hole in the ground
Has already been filled
With the mush and the might
Of a sorrowful sight
Of us all trying to be right
And we’re wrong

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or a free version of this song

Rift valley

2010-01-01T16:53:00.000-08:00

Track 3 from the late December 2009 euphoreador release entitled adrit.

Rift Valley

You come back to me sans subterfuge
As deluge clings to parched desert sands
It’s way too much and too fast
Aghast the rivers flashed flood
And the waters are 33 grasping hands deep
To have and to keep
To hold and to know

To bring down the pomp and glamour
And burn change the three ring show
With the big top all aglow
The Circus Maximus is the poignant kiss
Well what’s become of
Stuttered to no avail and the mast and sail
Inflates as billow we fall upon the pillow of grass
Me and this fallible lass
With up skirt and down dress
With arched curves we confess
We’re omnivoric whores
We’re human stars amongst scores
We’re gluttonous fasters
We’re servants and we’re masters
We’re healed sores gaping fresh anew
Like whatever plasters the sobered glue
Of red white deepest black and blue
Oh fuck the onslaught slew the spirit flew
Just to test its wings and rally
Despite hoops and flaming rings
The human heart it sings

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or a free version of this song

God Damned You Charred Earth

2010-01-01T16:50:00.000-08:00

Track 4 from the late December 2009 euphoreador release entitled adrit.

God Damned You Charred Earth

I did not even know that we may die
Collecting caveats hence bodies
That ply their way to the sky
Rhyme and reason is a failing season
Dreary a dark lost frost
I crossed Lethe with Styx a fire to burn
And then I struck a match
God damned you charred Earth
It burned for what it’s worth
For icing on the cake I shake him down
And his face is planted firm
Beneath the matted muck this stupid fuck
Thinks 100 grand is gonna stop me
From silencing him and his sperm

The one grandest of truths
I just found out
Is each and every one of us does die
Reaching for money
A blank check blank stare
What the fuck do we care

I did not even know that we may die
Neglecting caveats in your inner thigh
The bodies that ply
Reaching for money
Blank check blank stair
What the fuck do we care

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or a free version of this song

Retreat Down the Long Haul

2010-01-01T16:48:00.000-08:00

Track 5 from the late December 2009 euphoreador release entitled adrit.

Retreat Down the Long Haul

Been being sown up
Under the stitches
Been scratching off all my riches
Been digging ditches deeper, further
With the loins of my britches
And yet I still haven’t found
A taste for above ground
To be sliding within great sleep’s fold
Of nation-hood yourself
Get prepared for unnerving sites
And frights of passage
The tales the rails
The horse’s hooves
Are the best of glues
To tie and bind the mind
Until we guess its moves
Let’s start being fucking kind

view my website for more art
or a free version of this song

Topography

2010-01-01T16:46:00.000-08:00

Track 6 from the late December 2009 euphoreador release entitled adrit.

Topography

So it brings account with the growing shade
What does it mean what hath god rotten made
We opened the window and even beckoned indeed
That the succubus was Lorealei
Yeah, that’s our speed

Back to what we brought to the killing fields
Crescent swords and crosses on shields
We slaughtered and foddered and blundered
Then laundered in blood
We questioned the other’s purity
Then we rolled around in mud

Cause I want to get me more
Do what, do you want to get now
You want to get more Gitmo
You want to have
But none of us wants to give anymore

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or a free version of this song

What Are You Looking For

2010-01-01T16:43:00.000-08:00

Track 7 from the late December 2009 euphoreador release entitled adrit.

What Are You Looking For

What are you looking for
There is not much I would not do
Like a cornered animal wild
That never breaks through
The tethering cords piled soft and high
Velvet on the threshing bedroom floorboards
Your tongue is dual swords
Slicing

This isn’t right

This isn’t wrong
This isn’t anything
That makes everyone’s life longer
Tell in passion
Even day’s illusion foolery
Stand down
We don’t
You don’t look
We don’t leap
Ahh

What are you looking for
There is not much I would not do
Like a cornered animal wild
That never breaks through
The tethering cords piled soft and high
Velvet on the threshing bedroom floorboards
Your tongue is dual swords
Slicing and cutting
Our vows of exchange

view my website for more art
or a free version of this song

Forage

2010-01-01T16:39:00.000-08:00

Track 8 from the late December 2009 euphoreador release entitled adrit.

Forage

Nights in black satin
Sheets of rain in velvet pleats
Pain the flesh carnival
With choice repeats
The crop cracks the time
And bites the sex
With dank dark beats

Lick suck
Turn your other cheek and let me fuck
Taste spaced
Together we both go down on her luck
Then slow we have ours to go on and on

Naked flesh naked flame
It reeks of danger
When everyone knows
Each other’s name
Masked naked in mesh
From Istanbul to Marrakech
The damsel and the dame

Deeper deeper down

Flinch twist
Your pussy’s lips
Are the only ones she’s kissed
Give an inch resist
Our lives are vapid
As the salient mist

view my website for more art
or a free version of this song

Carnal Gethsemene

2010-01-01T16:36:00.000-08:00

Track 9 from the late December 2009 euphoreador release entitled adrit.

Carnal Gethsemene

If since before we were born we fought against millions
Just for a chance to reach the wall
On a spearheaded long shot civilians

Ovulating lady
May I ask you to dance

Wounded I came
Lay beside me learn your name

Wounded I came

How don’t we take it to go
Face down down roll on missy
Hey June Bug tow the line
To Jupiter lead the way
Pay first speak second
Down on your knees third
(Thirties and dirty these)
All you’ve heard
Women are prayer for him over there
(Whim and a prayer for hymn over there)
Carnal Gethsemene
With her and me
Since before we’re born we fought against millions
Just for a chance to reach the wall
On a spearheaded long shot civilians ovulating
And now and now
We live amongst billions
Underneath an ignorance pall
That behavior is controlled by reptilian’s brain

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or a free version of this song

Denomination

2010-01-01T14:49:00.000-08:00

Track 10 from the late December 2009 euphoreador release entitled adrit.

Denomination

You better start running in the lengths of time
When we are feeling light
With Mercuriac wings
Feet travel through things
And bodies collapse around
On the chanson* lane Champ-Elysees
We go to hell after triumphing this way
And when bodies die next
That’s got me thinking
Yeah well that’s what’s got me thinking
And then the children here in this world
What will they be

I’m sure the children of the next generation
They don’t what our piles of shit
Like we didn’t want them
Thrust that were upon our ass
When we came to top with little of class
We never knew what instore would befell
Hard to tell
But I’m sure they don’t want any of it
This huge pile of bullshit
We’re aching to give to them

All things come to an end

What they want is to be free
Given a life to be a little human

You’re running now
Get your feet placed firmly on the pavement
Move into the next of square
Cause hell water is a fantasy from there
It’s desert oasis and tragedy

Little beautiful child you ain’t much alive
But when you get old you’ll always regret
That everyone around you sold you such shit
And noone cared enough to give you
The real scoop the real plan
That hardship and high ideals
Are what is human’s hand
Dealt felt black in velvet velour
The overrated heart is to assume that it is pure
It grows wider upon this wrong
And there is love somewhere far away
Don’t let your life go before
You’ve given a chance some more
Hold me tender feel then

Make a stance for romance
Then take the floor
In a dance of parlance
They’ll all adore
St. George’s lance says your rants
Pierce to the core
Of Rosencrantz slide askance
And search for more
Friendship

*the French word for song

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or a free version of this song

Man Down For Love

2010-01-01T14:40:00.000-08:00

Track 11 from the late December 2009 euphoreador release entitled adrift.

Man Down For Love

I was a simpleton caught in a maelstrom
Tossed pell-mell like a rag doll
From the precipice of hell

I was a blithering fool
Throwing my flailing arms about
Trying to grasp why the whirling detritus
We buy and sell

Adrift in dust

Adrift in dust and sluice
The tether was cut loose
There is no static footing to call home
Oh well, oh well

Oh ancient oracle of Delphi
Where am I in relation to you

I was a naysayer
And privy to inconventionality
So wonder wonder wonder is my fun
Thunder is a clay enclave
Prometheus gave us fire
And I used it to
Perpetuate your desire in you

I was a simpleton caught in
An open box
Tossed pell-mell
I was a class defined
Like a rag doll
Into the things we
Precipice of hell
Encapsulate and call unkind
Throwing my flailing arms about
We are humanity
Whirling detritus
We are humanity
We buy and sell
We are humanity
We are humanity
Adrift in dust

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or a free version of this song

I'm In love

2008-11-09T20:48:00.000-08:00

Track 1 from the 1992 Confession of Faith release
As i Hung

I’m in Love

Running through the forest
Bleeding all around
Bodies lay naked
Strewn upon the ground

Running through the graveyard
Running past the tomb
Where love lies dead
Bleeding from her womb

Dieing in this sickness
Where darkness hangs above
My sores are gaping open
For now I’m in love

Running from the vampires
Hiding in the mist
Surrendering my love
For death’s lips I kissed

Running from the woman
Haunting in my head
Chaining me upon love’s
Forsaken bed

Oh, I’m in love

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or a free version of this song
or straight here to hear this song or show your support with a song purchase

i pray for sleep

2008-11-09T20:40:00.000-08:00

Track 2 from the 1992 Confession of Faith release
As i Hung

I Pray for Sleep

I’m twisting away
Like yesterday
I reached out my hand for her
And saw her hand on mine
And saw nothing but a ghost
Whose bitter-sweet lips
Tasted like wine

I saw the ghost from afar
Whose name I know not
Watching her eyes
Transfixed on me
Her mouth drawn and taut

I pray for sleep if only short
But I’m drawn close to her
I close my eyes to wish her gone
The ghost of mine in splendour

Help me I scream
To the world growing cold
As I reached up to grab the ghost
And found my own soul cold

I found it cold

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or a free version of this song
or straight here to hear this song or show your support with a song purchase

The Rain Will Never Cease to Fall

2008-11-09T20:35:00.000-08:00

Track 3 from the 1992 Confession of Faith release
As i Hung

The Rain Will Never Cease to Fall

Whispered Words on the wind
And I was not the one
Softly fold and softly slide
Underneath the sun

Like ancient walls and towers
Or birds that fall in flight
Creeping words and creeping thoughts
Slither through the night

The rain will never cease to fall
The sun will never shine
But in this very dark my dear
I still can’t find the time

Falling tears and pedals
Shatter on my floor
Hungry men and children
Pounding on my door

*Lyrics by Matt Cooper

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or a free version of this song
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As i Hung

2008-11-09T20:31:00.000-08:00

Track 4 from the 1992 Confession of Faith release
As i Hung

As I Hung

As I hung by my neck in the bottomless pit
The words which you said that didn’t mean shit
Came back to me as I saw your face
Burn with disgust in this unholy place
I fought and I gasped for every last breath
Rejecting the fear and welcoming death
My phallic image being casted by light
Forgetting all else and recalling that night
That night I saw you dance in the fire
When my heart yearned for your every desire
I desired to see and to taste your skin
To hold you tight like a siamese twin
I can’t I screamed as the thin rope frayed
As I fell in your heart grotesque and decayed

Grotesque and decayed

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or a free version of this song
or straight here to hear this song or show your support with a song purchase

There is a Lady Sweet and Kind

2008-11-09T17:20:00.000-08:00

Track 5 from the 1992 Confession of Faith release
As i Hung

There is a lady Sweet and Kind

There is a Lady sweet and kind,
Was never face so pleased my mind;
I did but see her passing by,
And yet I love her till I die.

Her gesture, motion, and her smiles,
Her wit, her voice my heart beguiles,
Beguiles my heart, I know not why,
And yet I love her till I die.

Cupid is wingèd and doth range,
Her country so my love doth change:
But change she earth, or change she sky,
Yet will I love her till I die.

*lyrics by Thomas Ford

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or a free version of this song
or straight here to hear this song or show your support with a song purchase

The Sacrament

2008-11-09T17:11:00.000-08:00

Track 1 from the 1993 Confession of Faith release
The Sacrament

The Sacrament

You tell me this is love I feel
Beside your nakedness I knee
Entwined in this sickening bliss
And praying for my saviors kiss
You say salvation will never die
Beneath your naked skin I lie
I know you see the tears I shed
But laughingly you turn your head
You fuck me for the love of skin
How worthless I know my life has been
You bathe me then in love’s disease
That pulls me to my helpless, my helpless knees
Chained upon your lonely bed
You fuck me while the tears I shed
Cloud my eyes that know not love
That see salvation far, so far above
Please taste death upon my tongue
For it’s by you that love was hung
So cold my soul upon the floor
Raping love you made a whore
Should we really be in love

"The Sacrament" This is part 3 of the winter 1995 Confession of Faith performance at Ground Zero in Minneapolis, Minnesota. This performance was done during the time COF was negotiating their way onto the Triple X Records compilation "Dim View of the Future". Dark and ominous are crutial elements in a COF performance. This song is from the ep "The Sacrament".

'The Sacrament' This is very Confession of Faith, dark lighting, the intense aural, industrial cascade. This song is from The Sacrament ep. The crowd seems very intense due to the fact that this was performed in the lunchroom for the 1993 Jefferson High School Battle of the Bands and most of the students probably hadn't seen or heard music like this.

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or a free version of this song
or straight here to hear this song or show your support with a song purchase

Like Judas

2008-11-09T17:03:00.000-08:00

Track 2 from the 1993 Confession of Faith release
The Sacrament

Like Judas

By your purity rise us all and from your sickening love I fall
I pray for love but from love I fall
Weep my child in this sickened delight
And pray salvation to my endless night
For over life I chose this power
For the taste of love had turned sour
You have turned away from me your head
And left me drowning in the tears I shed
Like a dying child to you I clung
Wanting someone I had hung
I’m so diseased I’m so diseased
Will you still love me
With a kiss like Judas I betray
My salvation consumed in decay
I know I was so sickening
I know love I will yearn
As I fell from grace
You did turn
You have watched me slowly as I bled
My sickening love from your withered bed
And all I love does seem to die
So here alone I do cry
Please dear god my eyelids close
I gave my love a blackened rose
She took this flower and turned so old
Love to me is so cold
So weep my child is this sickened delight
And pray salvation to my endless night
For over life I chose this power
For the taste of love had turned sour

'Like Judas' This is very Confession of Faith, dark lighting, the intense, aural, industrial cascade. This song is from The Sacrament ep. The crowd seems very intense due to the fact that this was performed in the High School lunchroom for the 1993 Jefferson High School Battle of the Bands and most of the students probably hadn't seen or heard music like this.

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Cain

2008-11-09T16:57:00.000-08:00

Track 3 from the 1993 Confession of Faith release
The Sacrament

Cain

How I lust
As your life slips away
And all that is left
Is the stench of decay
Staring down into the pit of damnation
Knowing I’ll never find my salvation
But through he last drowning breath
This hunger I fill for I am your death
God save my soul
My love lasts forever
Shrouded in sackcloth
She now stands
For I am the blessed
And I am the damned
Thriving off her tears of joy
I come not in love
But come to destroy
The woman who welcomed my as her guest
That now lies twisted bleeding and undressed
God save my soul
My love lasts forever
Because of Cain I am grotesque
For I am the damned and I am the blessed
The cerements of immortality embrace
All who are of this kindred race
Given the kiss that longs the day
That buries me deep in the stench of decay
God save me

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Hallowed

2008-11-09T16:51:00.000-08:00

Track 4 from the 1993 Confession of Faith release
The Sacrament

Hallowed

Falling from the face of god
Pulling my heart into despair
Isolation leaves me cold
So empty are the hands of prayer
The hands of prayer they bleed my skin
And pull me underneath again
Into your lips that softly say
Fuck me once again I stray
So delicate inside your skin
The hands of prayed they call again
To your ears that hear no pain
Praying are the hands in vain
Shattered are the memories
That slowly sink into despair
Placing faith in empty words
Forsaken are the hands of prayer

'Hallowed' What is amusing here is the school's mascot and decorations as well as the very standard guitar solo that is heard before COF performs. This is very Confession of Faith, dark lighting, the intense, aural, industrial cascade. This song is from The Sacrament ep. The crowd seems very intense due to the fact that this was performed in the High School lunchroom for the 1993 Jefferson High School Battle of the Bands and most of the students probably hadn't seen or heard music like this.

This is Confession of Faith performing to victory at the 1993 Minnesota Highschool Battle of the Bands at the Mirage. COF took sole first place. 2 bands tied for second place and 2 bands tied for third but COF one by themselves. What is amusing is that after COF performed, they immediately left the competition only finding out that they had won while they were returning their gear at home. The prize was free studio recording time. The songs we played were 'Hallowed' and 'Dominatrix'.

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Lord of the Flies

2008-11-09T16:45:00.000-08:00

Track 5 from the 1993 Confession of Faith release
The Sacrament

Lord of the Flies

Is it I that you look for
As the darkness consumes
For it is I that withers all that’s in bloom
I am the Lord, Lord of the flies
I am the angel of death
Do you not see
As you lower your dress
And stand longingly
To embrace this disease that hungers in me
I am the Lord of the flies
Standing in this unhallowed place
You lift your lips to kiss my face
Can you not see it’s your death you embrace
My eyes are clouded by the tears I shed
I beg of thee to turn your head
Away from death’s eternal wed
Can you not see I’m the angel of death
For with my lips I consume your breath
And then I ask
Do you feel me inside

"Lord of the Flies" This is part 4 of the winter 1995 Confession of Faith performance at Ground Zero in Minneapolis, Minnesota. This performance was done during the time COF was negotiating their way onto the Triple X Records compilation "Dim View of the Future". Dark and ominous are crutial elements in a COF performance. This song is from the ep "The Sacrament".

'Lord of the Flies' This is very Confession of Faith, dark lighting, the intense, aural, industrial cascade. This song is from The Sacrament ep. The crowd seems very intense due to the fact that this was performed in the High School lunchroom for the 1993 Jefferson High School Battle of the Bands and most of the students probably hadn't seen or heard music like this.

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Dominatrix

2008-11-09T16:08:00.000-08:00

Track 6 from the 1993 Confession of Faith release
The Sacrament

Dominatrix

As the dead leaves fall
On the pale wet ground
The screaming of the voices
Echoes all around
And the taste of pain
Holds on my tongue
And all who do not kneel
Are brought here and hung
In the red room
With the white walls
Standing here naked
The virgins bring bread
To murder the few that tried
That tainted the red
In the red room
With the white walls
Rape me in this red lit room
My vision of love a diseased womb
Rape me and it feels so good
It feels so good and I know it should
Twist with me in this tainted reign
Among the tears and among the pain
I realize that nothings new
And I’m chained to the wall
Bleeding for you

'Dominatrix' This is very Confession of Faith, dark lighting, the intense aural cascade. This song is from The Sacrament ep. The crowd seems very intense due to the fact that this was performed in the Highschool lunchroom and most of the students probably hadn't seen or heard music like this.

This is Confession of Faith performing to victory at the 1993 Minnesota Highschool Battle of the Bands at the Mirage. COF took sole first place. 2 bands tied for second place and 2 bands tied for third but COF one by themselves. What is amusing is that after COF performed, they immediately left the competition only finding out that they had won while they were returning their gear at home. The prize was free studio recording time. The songs we played were 'Hallowed' and 'Dominatrix'.

This is is an amusing juxtapose of Confession of Faith showing school spirit to help collect food. What makes this funny is how out of place the music is to the environment, from the thanking of the band before us (All the President's Men - the first band I formed) by saying all of their names wrong, to the introduction of the captains of school spirit. Another amusing element are the areas of the performance that are recorded over by news clips. This is a classic COF live performance. Also included are jeers and insults hurled at us the musicians like most of our performances. 'Dominatrix' is the song we played. This is a rather industrial/metal tune of ours.

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Do You Love Pain

2008-11-09T16:02:00.000-08:00

Track 1 from the 1995 Confession of Faith release
Do You Love Pain

Do You Love Pain

Covered in sackcloth dripping with red
The promise of love as she enters my bed
Do you like pain she says with a kiss
I cover my eyes enshrouded in bliss
Do you love pain

Do you love me
She says on her knees
How can I love
What I can never believe
Take then my hand and drown in my eyes
Believe this is love
Salvation through lies
Do you love pain
Do you love me

For one more night I feel love’s skin
As I open my arms
And embrace her again
I feel my heart raped again by her tongue
As I watch love wither
As slowly she hung
Do you love pain
Do you love me
Now

"Do You Love Pain" This is part 5 of the winter 1995 Confession of Faith performance at Ground Zero in Minneapolis, Minnesota. This performance was done during the time COF was negotiating their way onto the Triple X Records compilation "Dim View of the Future". Dark and ominous are crutial elements in a COF performance. This song is from the ep "Do You Love Pain".

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You Will be Mine

2008-11-09T15:52:00.000-08:00

Track 2 from the 1995 Confession of Faith release
Do You Love Pain

You Will be Mine

You will be mine
And I’m on top again
And I know you’ll undress me
As the day drags on she says
Will you untie me
You step in time
I follow you
Your little legs
I say it won’t hurt this time
But your tears invite me
Please let me be inside
Please let me be inside

Please

Dance again

When I taste of your skin
Slowly my sorrows wane
And I see love as that which is not in vane
But then with each time I pray it my last
To god I entreat death for I am unchaste
Oh I’m so tired
Of love that tastes so stale
Nothing will be given to me
But you I will always have

You won’t turn me away I know
Will you crawl to me
You will love me I say
Will you let me inside of you
Please let me be inside

Please

Dance again
Love was meant for a girl like you
When I taste of your skin
Slowly my sorrows wane
And I see love as that which is not in vane
But then with each time I pray it my last
To god I entreat death for I am unchaste

Dance again

Love was meant for a girl like you

"You Will Be Mine" This is part 2 of the winter 1995 Confession of Faith performance at Ground Zero in Minneapolis, Minnesota. This performance was done during the time COF was negotiating their way onto the Triple X Records compilation "Dim View of the Future". Dark and ominous are crutial elements in a COF performance. This song is from the ep "Do You Love Pain".

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Day of a Thousand Years

2008-11-09T15:24:00.000-08:00

Track 3 from the 1995 Confession of Faith release
Do You Love Pain

Day of a Thousand Years

Thicker grows the stifling air
I solation bends my knee s in prayer
Love heals not my soul so cold
In empty nest my skin was sold

In contrition my empty soul
And from me in a sense she stole
So now alone severed from god
Sent forth I am to the land of nod

I am forsaken

Without hope

Love deceives me not in my fears
I feel this day the weight of a thousand years
So cold I grow with the darkening sky
Absolve dear lord penitent am I

I am forsaken

Without hope

Salvation is lost to my arrogant tears
I wish my prayers fell upon god’s ears
Weary I grow at a quickening pace
I fear I have fallen from god’s grace

God I am forsaken

Without hope

I do love god

"Day of a Thousand Years" This is part 6 of the winter 1995 Confession of Faith performance at Ground Zero in Minneapolis, Minnesota. This performance was done during the time COF was negotiating their way onto the Triple X Records compilation "Dim View of the Future". Dark and ominous are crutial elements in a COF performance. This song is from the ep "Do You Love Pain".

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lower

2008-11-09T15:15:00.000-08:00

Track 1 from the 1996 Confession of Faith release
i am god's chosen

Lower
Recede back and the ground gives way
I stumble left in dismay
For I am righteous and my deeds are of good
But only a sinner has breathed where i’ve stood
So feast thee with thine eyes
And view my sins with due accord
And see the path of a wretched man
Whose raised himself above the lord
When we all find ourselves kneeling before
Well surely love will reign even then
Let’s stack us our accomplishments beside god
Amounting nothing
For we’re all damned
So I’ll build me an idol
And on it’s shoulders I’ll place my head
Caress it I will and lay my soul at it’s feet dead

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i am god's chosen

2008-11-07T17:56:00.000-08:00

Track 2 from the 1996 Confession of Faith release
i am god's chosen

I am god’s chosen
Why do I feel so cold and pray death on bended knee
My hands to god I longingly hold and pray
For the love of christ
I built the tower of babel to reach god
And no longer thirst
So how is this when my lips touch her skin
I reach god first
Do you see me stumble
And fall further away from god
I raise my hands to heaven and pray
For the love of christ
This is god’s way
Eloi, eloi, lama sabachthani
For the love of christ
I somehow find myself on my knees before the lord
And all he sees is sin and I know I am abhorred
He shows to me my life and hell that waits me then
I plead forgiveness for I am god’s chosen

"i am god's chosen" This is part 1 of the winter 1995 Confession of Faith performance at Ground Zero in Minneapolis, Minnesota. This performance was done during the time COF was negotiating their way onto the Triple X Records compilation "Dim View of the Future". Dark and ominous are crutial elements in a COF performance. This song is from the ep "i am god's chosen".

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wither

2008-11-07T17:47:00.000-08:00

Track 3 from the 1996 Confession of Faith release
i am god's chosen

Wither
I slowly turn laying virtue asunder
Entreating love come hither (to me)
Standing before her clad in disease
I see all things wither in her
My fleeting eyes see her with deathly pallor
My worthlessness brings me here to lie
I fill my cup over with deceit
I see all things die
In her eyes I see hordes writhing without aim
In her eyes I see tears that are only for my shame
Show to me love for it’s nowhere to be found
There buried shallowly beneath the ground (in her)
In her eyes I see hordes writhing without aim
In her eyes I see tears that are only for my shame
Here I stand complacency upon my lips while harboring
Fear and loathing, self-deception
Vanity whose lips are so sweet
Then I feed these pale children
Cowering before me like dogs
I take their hands and lead them down
To view the setting of the sun
Where myself and the world
We decline as one

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cinders

2008-11-07T17:39:00.000-08:00

Track 4 from the 1996 Confession of Faith release
i am god's chosen

Cinders
The land lays veiled in our own stench
As we bid on that which we won’t clench
Into our hearts that we then might
See ourselves in only light
Torn and laid below
That which love did sow
Into the fields of latent joy
Inside our hearts that we destroy
With faith in ourselves so feebly we’ll stand
As withered children smitten to dirt
Will sin still sate my tongue
For I am lost
So proud I am of all that I have done
To sit and veil the dying son
For to myself I’ll draw and keep
And fall into life’s steep
end

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sullen

2008-11-07T17:17:00.000-08:00

Track 5 from the 1996 Confession of Faith release
i am god's chosen

Sullen
Will someone take my hand this night
And lead me through this endless plight
For love whose harlot eyes I see
In waves that spiral down on me
Behold, enfold the king of the land
Where love lies dead
All things laid in pristine rows
But nothing in this garden grows
And as like filth that I taste
Upon my life laying in waste
Uplift my heart and bathe anew
For drown in offalness I do
But it is I who brings the rain
And with my knees I detain
Anything that for love there stands
I sit on high and make demands
Then I see it drain
And circle down on me like rain
Raise me up in all my beauty in all my luster
Bathe me in gold
Then I’ll come and sit upon my throne
Where I shall judge over my empire, where is it now,
For as I am enshrouded by cries
I’ve come to find the tears they are all mine, for I am lost,
Kneeling from the weight of my life
With my skin in the dirt and my soul in the fire

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Eastgo

2008-11-07T17:11:00.000-08:00

Track 1 from the spring 1999 Confession of Faith release
Children of a Dying Sun

dissension clamours within my heart
stilling Love's attempt to impart
Grace, Peace, Love to my life and yet
it's feigned remorse stinging my eyes wet

if Hope did dwell within my heart
i have no grasp of it
for i do glorify myself
well that's just full of shit

as all that matters is Love

somehow i've stumbled into dominion over my will
over all that which i am, are you so different
are we not human, with the same child's heart
all longing Love until death
when we hold no more the reins
what the fuck are we then

then i hear said, dance for me Salome
and we shall see who is in chains and who is free
i hope that it's you pray that it is, in God

can you see to what extent our frailty does exist
and how in homage my knees are bent
but not towards Love for that i kissed for my gain

betraying any Hope beyond this my flesh of clay
as to what i see as Truth i only make delay
slash and burn elected turn away from what is everything
i see i have no footing left for me to stand on

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Arrow

2008-11-07T17:06:00.000-08:00

Track 2 from the spring 1999 Confession of Faith release
Children of a Dying Sun

how i did fall
by mistaking sin for worth
sight cast downwards
sees feet heavily laden
with guilt on earth

i stumble onwards aimlessly
clutching on Truth or is it falsity
but where am i when all is gone
longing eternal or beneath the man nailed on

then i think why
has there always been
such a wide berth
betwixt me and God

by my own design
by my own construction
yeah self

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Sallow Husk

2008-11-07T16:59:00.000-08:00

Track 3 from the spring 1999 Confession of Faith release
Children of a Dying Sun

i've dealt my life these burdens
that cling with grasp renewed
that stammer 'round my virtue
like a hunted dog pursued

ravaged and left for dead
see it lay there still

so underneath a crooked tree
a clearing there ahead
it looks so shelter abandoned
with the watchman king nailed dead

dark

earth

and

dirt

my grievances are self made
for my pursuers i have wrought
myself would adhere to Love
if myself to Love i brought

and pinned beneath that sallow husk
attached to would like steel
my whole self as a human
my whole soul with poignant zeal

then i am cleansed
then i am whole
then i am in Love
then i am Love

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Erased

2008-11-07T16:52:00.000-08:00

Track 4 from the spring 1999 Confession of Faith release
Children of a Dying Sun

consider then there is no purpose
as oblivion hammers out its name
on this world as on all things
if static our lives we end with no claim

to the One who is and preceded the One who was and forever

God of what use is breath
when the mantle of Truth we've torn and now are bare
then further this life to what end
so base is my mind so meager before Love

cunningly my senses endure
a harsh reproach from my feeble blind heart
while earth's laurel crown i secure
upon my head, i see i have no part

of Love so freely given
of Truth which lasts so far beyond my days

where is the glory where is the honor
in that which fades in that which dies

if there is a God if there is Truth
are we not showered in that reign
whether we choose to accept or to deny
i fear all our knees shall weaken before Love

reap Grace like a servant who needeth no scythe
for the germ is already bread the meal prepared
embrace or decline life

so where is the glory where is the honor

nowhere it is all gone it is all dead
nothing we build ever shall last
so why with sight the firmament we seek God
when there inside us waiting is Love

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Halfmast

2008-11-07T16:45:00.000-08:00

Track 5 from the spring 1999 Confession of Faith release
Children of a Dying Sun

all things fade away and leave me longing
so much more than i have to give
Love unfurled half mast as in twain the wood snaps
down crumbles Love
so i stamp on her
lichen to the ground
now i feel so proud

what seems to handle hard
i tire then i discard
and i know my heart deceives
when faced with sin to that it reeves
i still cannot find as self defies my mind
again and i perceive
the endless struggling hand of breath
holds on, i condemn it, Love
though i could receive

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Lot

2008-11-07T16:39:00.000-08:00

Track 6 from the spring 1999 Confession of Faith release
Children of a Dying Sun

what tastes so foul i see upon me
gaping a hole the size of my soul
that is no longer in tune
it sets like the moon
down under the world
down under the Hope
of anything more than this life

stand firm Love when the horror comes
when desolate seems my whole life
it is then that i stab at thee

jaded as i am found
silent worries abound
see the withered look upon my face
another place holds more horror
than my eye when i deny

or another way is there for us
then i hope that it does surface

shelter is offered and not retained
all that is Love, disdained
shackled down in ways that dry this life well in me
decide if it anchors salt
weighed it in towards worth and i fell short
as my own strength fails

the gavel is thrown
to whom all who disown
the hard extreme attempt
at lasciviousness and turgid life
cut jagged like a knife
in the heart as it is turned
blackened all against Love
or when lost then took a realm
and all that i can do again
is accept a Hope
more than i ever can be
or if i did choose that way
i certainly could be as One

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Motion Still

2008-11-07T16:34:00.000-08:00

Track 7 from the spring 1999 Confession of Faith release
Children of a Dying Sun

what device does time instill
that strengthens my deadened will
or is it just that it is time
and i the chooser of the rhyme

that chooses coarse till the end
of Truth that seems a feeble trend
that harkens to mine ear so shrill
a tone that hastens motion still

what comes to be i see just what eternity means for me

and offers such a cup at length
that for the chooser, is whole in strength
encompassed then in a veil of Grace
where only Peace does touch that face

Hope in twain i am slain
far behind what i could gain or even ascertain

it's shame i fear that begs me to stand
and present my life with sleight of hand
to you and hope my ideals you see
but that's just the fool's heart in me

crawling, pining, breaking beneath the weight of Grace
for it's hard to accept the acceptance is the key

far it goes
entire pace slows
Truth where art thou
the road towards it flows
foot after foot after foot after foot after foot

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See it as it Ends

2008-11-07T16:29:00.000-08:00

Track 8 from the spring 1999 Confession of Faith release
Children of a Dying Sun

all hail Love as we tear her down
to where every longing is what
we laid out in front
and ravished her there
thinking not whilst our lives were cut

severed as a new babe that is shorn from its cord defenseless it weeps as air stings lungs
yet it is still adored
by the same Love that only Love can afford

hang it like a weight
'round your drowning neck
and sink forever under
the waters of oblivion

oft i do tend to picture life
as that which binds me tight in fetters
curtailing Love with marked strife
alas are we not debtors
choosing to crawl with slavish stride
we make ourselves as soul shaped letters
laying as words spelt to deride
reading away from me Lord
in the harrowing tide
of sought found umbra i stored
the gravest heart of my sin
the shit i once had abhorred
in this redundant din
i'm as dirt as cleft dross
requiring smelting again
freedom's glory-holed cross

was it Hope that we nailed
there that day
that still hangs

forever on a long time
down the road see it as it ends
at some point in our time
but further than that

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Upshit

2008-11-07T16:21:00.000-08:00

Track 9 from the spring 1999 Confession of Faith release
Children of a Dying Sun

if it taints against the reign
of what use is that to me
if the thread tears beneath the weight
is there more silk to wind it together
but look at all the length of twine
in heaps at our feet
if the thread is our life
must we not look to the loom
or just strive for wealth
for our services rendered

unto ourselves into the dark
inside the midst of a worsening storm

where no seams will hold
where all fabric is in twain
beneath the edge of the loom master's robe

woe

and what are we doing now
and what are we
when we only try to gain
we are undone

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What Seeks the Land

2008-11-07T15:41:00.000-08:00

Track 10 from the spring 1999 Confession of Faith release
Children of a Dying Sun

i think i'll hazard a guess that we're as feeble
as a cur, the land seeks to destroy
where is the sinner who dares to call
any transgression small
be appalled my faint heart at the sight
when my sin eclipses the light
do we sincerely think we will gain
worth that shall always sustain
by allotting merit of import
to our lives with our hand
reeking in pride saying i am so grand
where is worth when we face Love with pride
absent, in shame we deride
and sever all things tying us to Grace
with failure we do replace
Hope that accosts us every moment
that will come or that we have spent
failing to hear the knocking or care
that it's Love that stands there
longing for us to open the door
and speak enter

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Caliban

2008-11-07T15:35:00.000-08:00

Track 1 from the fall 1999 Confession of Faith release
Still Born

then i’d have to say a prisoner’s way
is hopeless indeed for have we not choice and need
at least it seems so since first dawn i new day
which i’ve hid and locked away in a pandora’s heart
a slight flickered gleam which is all that fashions the seam
between this life and the next without choice life is a dream
In a dream N/A dream
can you perceive orchard empty blossomed flower
cut from tree my soul is me
so often that i with listless did lie and say
what a good boy am i but for one man the sky
with immense reply did say what a good boy am i
as a boy as a man i think everyone can invite temptation
is it anything is it anyone am i ever finished am i done
the burning heart has a son from whence it seems all run
I believe choice have we The will to make the motion sea
Wane or fill these lives that be Or semi-tear the symmetry
The caliban the i’ll set free The humble can the only
Way that i fear i never see Is crooked man with crooked knee
I believe choice heavy The burdened back the turn us we
From wax to wane the candle’s me To semi-shine the majesty
The caliban the i’ll set free The meager man the only
Way that i fear i shall be As crooked can with crooked knee
The love i ban the set me free My heart to dirt the only
Way that i fear is for me is choice to choice with love as key
that i know is me That i have in me

This is a short film that uses the Confession of Faith song 'Caliban' from the fall 1999 COF album 'StillBorn' made by Mitch Lusas, Jason Richards and Norm Mintle in 2007. The film is a great look at pressure and control and who holds the button of power.

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East Er

2008-11-07T15:31:00.000-08:00

Track 2 from the fall 1999 Confession of Faith release
Still Born

bad taste on my mouth the site tittered away
all sides sit ailing to me and how have i grown
this day as tossed ship in lost sea still afloat
just drifting south in earshot beholden to this
idea of beauty in any hue it places on me
a certain demise i care not the moment
nor the skies in our heart lesion lay
file D for dismay when we’re brought
unto the total view i hammer not to pacify
i just count more than only two dead
on the ground next to Horror Astound
the party shall play oh we’re all swept away
cut apart with sawtooth decided in youth
to covet or treasure the moment it asunder
our land inside the hard banking on the moment
and the poor our heart dangling whore
a meltdown in core with slight sound the
mystify is found last place holding i miss
the purposed reply distort freedoms we halve
and cleave the head from the calve
to sift the rot for repent days are nights
and time slips by me soothe on another level
you speakest of truth but soil my ear
the sodom i see the failures are we have us
any fear receding dimensions the mind-numbing
expanse of drivel turned to downpour i can scour
the shore for bridge with less wormbore
and find few if any in my view the cavalcade
the have i made more 2 sense than a harlot outlaid
are all afraid the burning distemper
as the passion played are we slurred down
me native tempull away our heart
pluck now malaise as a part we crawl drifting far
a bulwarked din see the arms oh well oh anyhow i

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sendown

2008-11-07T15:25:00.000-08:00

Track 3 from the fall 1999 Confession of Faith release
Still Born

if crevice were made and somehow we strayed
and i wound myself up on the edge of the further side
in a twine of delayed i fashioned the frayed
and affixed to my heart a peace that i thought i had tried
then does it all subside
to a lull where we no longer breathe
i’m talking more permanence than that
of a soul to face fear i’ll crawl to be near
and search to find thee are we not all free
when we face the dawn yet it’s time that’s still further drawn
on on on and on
and dawn
with partitioned veil the hardest of trail
is the one from whence i stagger
and all things first flowed
but i fastened the nail to a body so frail
that i don’t know if the fiddle i bowed
would play me a song to settle my soul in the calamity
don’t twist apart their there in waylay
chance debauchered so frantic to say
i hope the dither never sates me it may

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Assembly Divide

2008-11-07T15:20:00.000-08:00

Track 4 from the fall 1999 Confession of Faith release
Still Born

Shall it shine under the err
Rending hearts and tending no care
Unto my eyes sin it is laden
And lifeless all through the land
So it seems under the air
Shall we mend without care
Undo the end before our knees do bend
A little dream not much steam
I fail to see banality bade me to amend
Heart tend our fear
It shall ever be near
Me and my heart barren
From a start-ing
A home between
Love’s assemblage and the assembly
Of love’s parts
And set aside within the our
It will divide and it seems
If baby can’t do the art
Shall go zombie
And dissolve all at landfall
As faith may seem so sheared
And caught to sway
A needle lost in hay
A baffled brook
Which sense mistook and led down
To a peaceless somber bay
Which way do you turn towards muster or yearn
I cannot see the font of spring the dead season’s chimes ring
Appalling life abysmal day
The foolery the what to say
But I can sing of freedom’s wing of hope in this thing
Was I kissing freedom’s wing open this thing
We call it life we nurse the dead we dismiss reason instead
Behold how none of us ever can decide
What makes human
Our sires laid caprice with need
And furnished egg with seed
Cradle schism caught in long haul

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Far

2008-11-07T15:14:00.000-08:00

Track 5 from the fall 1999 Confession of Faith release
Still Born

I saw me far to the ocean
With kneading hands the water it came
And changed the dirt that I had brought
Into clay I knew had my name
I saw me then devoid of
Grief that lies a wound so bare
From face to face we hasten stride
I’m too fucking tired to sit and stare
At this world at these hands
At failing pride’s sweet demands
While catering to ourselves
The water is siphoned away
Where is any hope into this dead world
Defiling my flag unfurled
I came myself upon the field
And backpedal reeled
Oh oh we caved and kneeled
Duty found withering day misnomered as fray
And chasing the pieces life brushed away
Leading to where any moment upon
The terraformed center core
I cannot feel the weight of temple wall
Regodless I crawl day unto day unto day
The merciless familiar sway
So much to think much more to feel
Seldom is seen seldom is real
On and on it leads nowhere
A pseudo cause with shitty flair
I am nothing of what I believe
I pass the time the air I thieve
I ask for reprieve
Change my sentence from wit to plain shit
And cast me to the wind
I never will rescind
My path is laid bare
Either truth or nothing’s there
Hope beckons with deadpan stare

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Crowd

2008-11-07T15:09:00.000-08:00

Track 6 from the fall 1999 Confession of Faith release
Still Born

I’m stationed across from a piecemealed land
And my faith seems so hidden faceless I stand
A deceiver with stringence as sand
Though my god is the whole of everything
That we see or can’t be seen
And it all falls through my heart’s drowning hand
Into deep pools of sensation
Extinguishing the light for my way
Towards rebirth and progress
But in dismay I fumbling say
Driveled words when I pray
In blank verse with blank heart
I can not find the point to start
So come follow me
And I’ll drape us in offal and blight
And I’ll sing for the moment
Sing how love is trite
But it’s back the other way
And now our shades are as night
In my heart in my mind
The eye seems blind
And suspect all endeavors
Of what my life’s confusion may find

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Barrow

2008-11-07T15:02:00.000-08:00

Track 7 from the fall 1999 Confession of Faith release
Still Born

Barrow
I barrowed the downs
Sift a mightier way
The comatosing start
Another blistering day
Meager stairs step away
The brandishing of new
I call to me more care
The caring was bonebare
And worthier days
I long to hold your gaze
To see what fruited trees
Can be picked off of my knees
I care not for dissent I fear not the fruit
Just shatter me a name
Like god is savior
I tantalize the seedier skies
My eyes make contact to
The motion apathy describes
And I can stagger more than you
When I choose like I do
I beckoned a cause
Pleading please no pause
See my heart is here
With hope I shall never fear
Creed dented cross bent
Burning so morose
Does hatred cleanse
Your bleeding wounds so close
To your beating heart
Does indifference impart
A fleeting sense of recompense
Just show me my exit and I will leave you here

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Stale Sin Sale

2008-11-07T14:57:00.000-08:00

Track 8 from the fall 1999 Confession of Faith release
Still Born

It was a shimmering night
The veiled city as a momentary lapse
And motion sifting away the psyche ovasive
As love in low moment twas a nation like that
In which I fell into when nowhere I had
Chosen it like life the rest and gaze unto the moment
That we see truth and obey underlit and I’m under that day
I fear that it is all gone away
In the maze of a fickle haze
Given receiveth I smitten devise
Swift and decisive hell I can not face
Motion memory or grace
Death at the end then I need more
In my mind days writhe and I find
Anything that gives me strength
But all is feeble but grace
Come soft sweet melody
Bring candor apparently
Fortuitousness offense lingers long
It ain’t hard to sound sound deformed
In the life’s blood a jumbled eden
And all purpose seems lost and nondescript
A shattered easter a careless blunder-ring
I found and placed upon thee calling MIA
The funniest shit
In all your name my lone triage
Sites only fade a man self-made
Is it I is it in
Is in N is it stale
Is it R easy sin
Is it I easy sale
As I came I nowhere found
A site that simply looked good
Or anything that I need more love
It all as sunder is cast
Stand I see my hand
Dead against my life as sand
Glass is broke often enough
But love does stand

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What Happens Then

2008-11-07T14:53:00.000-08:00

Track 9 from the fall 1999 Confession of Faith release
Still Born

What Happens Then

I brought the detriment
Of carelessly spent
Consuming morsels
Cast off me as I went
Towards freedom’s rings
A smatter of things
Seem to cadence glorify
I caught distant prisoner’s scent
How dost thou feel
When tin and steel
We pass off as gold
And we try to hold
The passion slips
And solder fails
As truth rips
The fuck out of everything
And what have us now to bring
More shit and failure

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Glamour Capital

2008-11-07T14:48:00.001-08:00

Track 10 from the fall 1999 Confession of Faith release
Still Born

Glamour Capital

Is purpose careless and free with no more muster in me
I reach Berlin wall hear fear shrewdly call
Rally comrades flock wound down truth like clock
I never wanted in me these pattered orthodoxy
Seeds sought patiently down and on one knee
Hear peace banter a cry see assassin slit on sly
Crowning achievement in bloomed discord
Calling the maker like leper ignored were our hearts poured
March ye towards victory then tell the how why
In a madrigal all that does stand strong it shall remain star
For how long before it dwindles is it billions of years that even ends
Seek you the future then seekest the past does anything last
We swagger to the new start of all the tumbling down
I chartered to the set sun the sight was all but done
Not sure win you such hands as stalwart to the machine
Searches only destroy as someone carelessly seen
Soul judging from on high too forward for the reply
Butchered in the extreme as sorrow in Dis does teem
Shining do all they so watch is all they say
Recutting the pieces hoping for new day

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Left Too Dry

2008-08-30T23:09:00.000-07:00

Track 1 from the September 2008 euphoreador release
ChineSeXXX American Idolatry

Left too Dry

I can’t say that I lack all of any sort of redeeming qualities
I can’t say that I’ve done nothing of mention
Which I really haven’t done
But there is one thing common unto
Humanity beings you and me

There’s nowhere left to run to anymore
There’s nowhere left to run

The seeking of the care
Can’t it be the wherewithal
Of dawning light
Unilateral friendship
And the need to pull it in two

There’s nowhere left to run to anymore
There’s nowhere left to run

See it in the lane
Flag it down like pain
Then stair the apathetic air
Then when we knew who we rent
We buy more like we threw away as spent

So if we think
That our life's on the brink
It just may be
Indemnity

Collapse the race
And roar the crowd
The wonderlust is for the proud
Sound of interminable malaise
I hope it pays one of these days
We who all prowl inane
Without in toto

Cause it takes more effort to be a pest
To be a naysay
That we can do more
And that we won’t do shit
Never are we here
And everything in it
Yeah, well
There just isn’t

There ain’t nowhere left to run to anymore
There’s no where left to run

You think it’s all in fun
You think it’s all done
But when you need a place to go
And there ain’t anything you know of

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Give In

2008-08-30T22:59:00.000-07:00

Track 2 from the September 2008 euphoreador release
ChineSeXXX American Idolatry

Give In

I didn't think that I knew of all the odds seeing that the way shun to the flaweds
I'm on the prowl baby can't you be, with me leacherous for fell en knee
We gonna go down slow into the wanes into the pains
((prolitariot))
(I'm pro let tear it off apart places we won't be caught
and bring your blanket stare I cant only you got me moving there)
We're gonna bring what we all know to be the case and the carry you there
(care)
So come here
And give in

The pussy pass and they glide down to forgot
you know the way we always think and thought
You got an eye and a shape and a I move to your gait
I'm gonna unlock and let us go inside the Garden of Earthly Delights tonight
we know everything is scared utter shitless and see of the fitness
the fire and the all we will never die
(the flowers without your adding more in the tribulations inner I adore
adorate bed my mate see all on the thin ice skate ice on no body skin we're never in
wolves' stare will cry and we won't even know that we will die)

So come here
And give in
So come here
We're bedding deeper in sin
So come here
And give in
Come on
We're bedding further than you've ever been

Why do you want to go home with such a duchebag
Everything that he says lies triple slag
I'm gonna fashion to gather all his lies
together and make a huge balloon
That says 'I'm an asshole'
You do not read it
I see it certain 30,000 miles away
But you think all he cares about is the sway
with his swagger ways and candor
in the can't to can not see the light in all the thought
I'm gonna give you real things
To make you think and I hope
In all the ring around us brings

'Give In' This is track 2 from ChineSeXXX American Idolatry, the september 2008 euphoreador release. The song is about how we need to be fearless and open ourselves up for the possibility of love and intimacy.

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slum lord

2008-08-30T22:52:00.000-07:00

Track 3 from the September 2008 euphoreador release
ChineSeXXX American Idolatry

Slum lord

Been baffled by beauty
Taking languid drawts* all day
Sifting through the words of my government
My slumlord sol invictus I have to pay

Been talking too regal
Tempting all the tail
Wandering parts
Of the onerous arts
Nefarious duplicity

Ought we go down
Into the New Orleans
Penchant the blessed
Of worn-out virgin
Leaped into the ocean
On a whim
And I don’t think she can swim
In the fever of our lives
Do we not exercise
Then come again

Conjecture fits, the face don’t
Sublimely doubt in lycopene
Tearing down the road towards a fucking low
Could lay million dollar on another fun over here
Keep a goddamn plan
Fierce to the false occasion
Feast to the fuck
Blister in the mind declare
I simply don’t care

Hell and we will go there
Inner phage
Things won’t be free for fools are we
We all dainty
Wasted lifetimes
We all decree
Portion putrid fail

Thems are the way
Pull him off
We can tell the curtain call
Bring it down into the womb now
Hold your faith
Feel the light
See your vision
Fear resolve flight
Offer, take, to the world
We care less everyday now
We’re just little ants
What supplants what I see
What is you then we

Fluttering take-down
Do we can’t die anymore
We can’t die again
Only once
So better make it goddamn faster
Into the world we only go

*drawts – a combination of the english word, draught
and the french word, droite

"slum lord' This is track 3 from the September 2008 euphoreador release entitled ChineSeXXX American Idolatry. The song is about standing firm in the resolution of who we are and not pretending what we aren't. Also not being afraid to find out who we are. The video is a new rehashing of video that was used in some Confession of Faith performances. This video also contains the decapitation of a chicken.

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Waves of Murky Drift

2008-08-30T22:41:00.001-07:00

Track 4 from the September 2008 euphoreador release
ChineSeXXX American Idolatry

Waves of Murky Drift

As the waves crash against me
Seems soaring to land ho
There is no love here
It was swept away
But when I knew it
lingered long
But under these waves even now they pummel me
Like a catastrophe thrown in typhoon swell
White squall give it to me your all
And then it’s helter-skelter
And left behind I’m a floating pinion in this bedevilment
Can’t even hide
My arms are tied
My body leaches this way and that
I can not even float right
Sinking is my empty
Sinking is my plight
Here we go again
My arms collect the fluids of neglect
The plan to cull
The can’t-tackle
The shiva we don't need
Raining waters
Wind biting as wile
I’m caught in the murky drift_
Is there still a chance to learn how to swim
But when I knew the course to take
Problems last a lifetime, then we know
Lengths of time are what we hold and let go
We made up time
It’s our concept
And in the winds are awesome swept

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Kingdom of Wanton Shit

2008-08-30T22:34:00.000-07:00

Track 5 from the September 2008 euphoreador release
ChineSeXXX American Idolatry

Kingdom of Wanton Shit

Been out to the places I deplore
Seen a little more of what I can’t stand
Been a man in high demand
By mainly fat chicks on this earth
Done nothing matterful since birth
But endless surmise to wander through
This brokenesque consumer dis
(precipice)
Filled with vinegar and piss

Many days gone too far
And death will be the best of loves

All my instinct fails me
Hear in this kingdom of wanton shit

On the left side
On the right side
Just douche bags
No one can confide
In the lamest use of what sentience brings
We speak of shit-fickle things
Are we mere chattel for prattle
When our lives are just bone rattle
Off from ourselves
places
we gave a damn
And truly thought for ourselves

Dark times ahead
In maturation bed
When we joyfully eat
All that we’re force fed

Think for a moment
Now silence your mind

Kingdom of Wanton Shit is track 5 from the September 2008 euphoreador release entitled ChineSeXXX American Idolatry. The song delves into the lengths we go to find fun but usually finding nothing either due to our attitude or our narrow mindedness. The video is a new rehashing of some video that was used during some Confession of Faith performances.

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Never Even Started avec le femme

2008-08-30T22:22:00.000-07:00

Track 6 from the September 2008 euphoreador release
ChineSeXXX American Idolatry

Never Even Started avec Le Femme

I haven’t tasted skin in such a long time
That I wonder if I will again
I’ve wandered through the valley of the shadow of death
Just to catch you and my breath
Where to begin

Let’s lie in the presence of the lunar eclipse
Whilst your full moon gyrating hips
Slowdown let us ponder
And lick as we launder
Our supposed dirty moves

I want to roll in the clover
And bend you right over
And feel your grooves intimately
I want to see your face in a million places
And chase you as we do it
Like Kama Sutra and make it biblical lore
Until our love-vessels be sore
Till the core and digging deeper
At non-quixotic pace
Baffled we laugh at your skills of a whore
Pure in spirit and virtue
That just knows the moves of a whore

Dawdle down into the ramparts
A myriad hue is the sex of arts
Count your times
Let’s make it another
Let’s fucking make love like we’ll never recover
As our bodies cascade apart
Feel the beating alive heart
Grow intensity
I want to investigate thee some more
So that’s what I’ll do

In ramshackle feebleness naked endless
All our self we confess
And I shall teach you to yearn for love and burn

When we think we are done
We ain’t never even started to run
In the way in which we can
Be for each other’s more
Helping everything as we
Sing a new song
And let it be righter
Than the best wrong
And let us fawn and let us be ravaged
Until we are one

When, when will the son rise
And go between your trembling thighs
As the you’re rolling back your eyes
You’re pondering the gift of effort
Well no one gets hurt
In this time far beyond basic flirt
Where we will hold ourselves
In the frigid cold

Never Even Started avec le femme is track 6 from ChineSeXXX American Idolatry, the 9/2008 euphoreador release. It was filmed at and near The Three Gorges Damn and the city of Yichang in China. The lyrics pertain to the longing and pining for love and human intimacy that is created by allowing oneself to embark and engage in love; in a frank and excited way with new eyes. The video is a juxtaposition of this pining by showing what appears to be two young lovers do what lovers do, exploring each other and the world. The pain is created when one knows or at least idealistically thinks about what they are missing when they have fallen out of love or the relationship has ended.

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Purse Your Lips

2008-08-30T22:14:00.000-07:00

Track 7 from the September 2008 euphoreador release
ChineSeXXX American Idolatry

Purse Your Lips

You wanted somewhat of a change
No I don’t find that strange
Just reasonable
To think that when your life goes fast
You have to take a look and make it go slow
Before your life has passed
You have to shift on a dime
The thought it be the time you never bought
I know you work for tips
So baby purse your lips

A breakdown when we knew not what we were
And do not divulge information
That you feel will hurt you
But that’s all we are alive to do
To give more than we are
To be much more than we have
To stoke up the fires and learn

I want rumination lockstep with innovation
I want to hear of all I knew nothing about
I want to devout all my sentience and clout
To finding out what you are thinking of this
A rolling in the hay sounds great to me
Our bodies mesh so openly
With our wall down we install
Something better than us all

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cut and run

2008-08-30T21:58:00.000-07:00

Track 8 from the September 2008 euphoreador release
ChineSeXXX American Idolatry

Cut and Run

When will I know of that which I do
Has value, never do you
Non quantifiable
Non categorical
Just asked the oracle
But she speaks in riddles
That don’t give no answer
Just question
Like what the fuck am I doing here
Dirt is the all surrounding
Wasted time draw near

Who will be the ones
To give you ballast
A main stay
That won’t let the river’s currents
Carry me away
Just get annul
And feel that honor
And when the line that ties them two
Will make my limbs black and blue

Forever learn to go
And always give a damn
Let not in a heart the widening fact
The neighbor needed contact
Jereminder my a little poll
Tears taste of what we don’t know of

Want to be method
To cut all the tether
We did not know
Of the way it would pedal
You satellite to the wan in my eye
She don’t want to plea for-reason
So don’t want to placate

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look beforeward

2008-08-30T21:48:00.000-07:00

Track 9 from the September 2008 euphoreador release
ChineSeXXX American Idolatry

look beforeward

I’ve been banished by love to the alone
For the length of nonparley goes
Polite every which way
The thing passing never held at bay
My eyes have seen you rise
Forever planned in all of the things we do

There in a new palladium
Bold and once declawed
Come rose compass
Where is the lass
Which way to go

Linger on
Feel the leed I have
So down free fall
We beseech thee
Or long to become

Then on mean
Pulling an I knew we could
Do before and again
Where that I knew we had bore the hidden layer
Collide without
Purpose nor pride
And taste of a new collection I offer to you

Behold how each and every lay
The morn I undo
Windfall cresting another imperfect breath
And I leave, homily don't fail me
Can I forestall
Giving it away

Trust in one
And then to others sound
Of gold we fight for
Point being then another
Sea seeing
How our lives all spiral this way
Into at bay
Counting all the layers that
Duty utters all the feeling

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Rascal(nikov)

2008-08-30T19:37:00.000-07:00

Track 10 from the September 2008 euphoreador release
ChineSeXXX American Idolatry

Rascal(nikov)

And when us humans gather us all
And construct from ego
A self truly small
To be made fun of
Our clandestine call
I see the twitch knee-jerk fruition stall
Mull it over abysmal pall
A roll in the clover
Well mull it over

I'm standing in the doorway
And gazing at you
I see the things flit passed that flew
How incontinence can be
When rapidly I come towards thee
In a numb of frenzy

Mull it over
Think in line
What borders on
Conducively fine

Own a way I dodge
With ounce to glow
Each of oppinions they go
And left us all we nude
Renewed our strength embued
It's thievery delight
'Cause I hold you this night

So I shall try to give my all
Reconstructing under fall
Each shed through
Every year with you
I shall try to be a better me
The one I care to look at and see
Which ever way I knew

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Where art Thou

2008-08-30T18:29:00.000-07:00

Track 11 from the September 2008 euphoreador release
ChineSeXXX American Idolatry

Where Art Thou

On the horizon
The fields burned with in-tents-city
What have we learned

Just how much more easy it is to kill then to love
How much more easy it is to take then to give
So tell me why do we live

For a little piece of what is mine
As supplicant twisted tine
Times we bought ourselves with ease
The mimes we paid to appease

Play your part in this cog-stifled wild
Opinions ravaged our hands full
And hog-piled

I brought a lamp of illusion
Let’s cover ourselves in its light
In its coarse then we bully ourselves bright

Left up to us
We call it, don’t remind me
Something that leaves the taste sweet
And in the mouth pockmark lined

Love, ho, tell me how we know
If you don’t stop and
Look down when your feats go too slow
And tell me what we got now
Or now
Or even then

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Tried to be

2008-08-30T18:22:00.000-07:00

Track 12 from the September 2008 euphoreador release
ChineSeXXX American Idolatry

Tried to be

The want to behold
All the beauty there is
I want to confess
That I don't see it often
Enough of that
When I tell you it calls
And it recalls that it's still cold

So turn away
And when I cloven be
And lay it at
The feet of love

So don't you claim to know mind
At the windowpane
Don't you play 'til you find mine
Every into a bloom

The clown suit bolted
The things we do for love
And if we don't claim
Cautered we plea

A tramp

A trial to be humble
I tried to be brave
But saving doom
I am the kneeling knave
But just lay it down
At the feet of love
And when we talk

Don't be kind
Don't be care
And don't you care for that
Anymore
When we say what we do
My emotions all have value
And I don't keep anything well
Who can tell
Everyone
'Cause everyone

Just lay it down
At the feet of love
When it comes in focus

I tried to be humble
I tried to be true
I believed in us
Probably more you
Then I take
And don't replace
But when the woman's face
Hits the know body
And what have I done to deserve you
Or you
Or you
Or you

What have I lain
Lay it down
At the feet of love
Singing softly
Little Angel

Always amicable
As we leave it
This world
I want to be spoken not slurred
On top of a course
And weighing our time
My blasted only one line
Love
One word
It's better to be loved
Then to be the lover lent
Into whatever spent
Lept to call a cab and a
Leper back stab
Better to love
It's better to love
Than be the leper leaping off of the ledge

So lay it down
At the feet of love
And when a bow of Ice
Never surprice me

Blank stare
All shaken

Make it shaken not stirred
Like the cat pussy purred
And the lines
Oh, draw them in sand
On the hand
Of the wing to course
Just think
In dotted S.O.S.
Let me confess
That the purpose in the land we call West
As our time
Drew itself down
I could have been better
You could've been better
We could have tried harder
We could have given more for
Love
The four lettered word
Best goddamn fucking one ever heard
Left

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clear the air

2008-08-30T18:16:00.000-07:00

Track 13 from the September 2008 euphoreador release
ChineSeXXX American Idolatry

Clear the air

No derivatives on concrete lean
Sounding level with wonderment
The course does glean
A Trojan horse

Wide fear
Life forcing each other to be
Nothing, why, how
We be alive today in the here and now

Look into my eyes clear the air
Ask if anyone about Darfur does care
When we talk into the breeze
See what is easy
In our lives all we care about
Is but one percent of the actuality
Of what being a human does mean to me

Step right up
Let’s fill the whole
In life’s wheel spoke birth
For only condiments we race
We tear the reason apart like lace

Look into my eyes see the care
In my bloodshot baby blues stare
It lingers to apple knew apropos
Do we care to know about our lives
When we attempt to go
Either not fast or slower than fucking slow
Each of us can do what we have to
For everyone

'clear the air' This is track 13 from ChineSeXXX American Idolatry, the september 2008 euphoreador release. The song is about how we sometimes loose site of our true feelings and our love, replacing them with anger or blindness and how we need to clear the air and start anew.

This is part of the Montreal Fringe Festival 2007 performance for Euphoreador + Friends. In this part the 'lounge singer' performs the euphoreador song 'Stammering'. The performers for the whole piece were Josh Hinck, Morgan Murray, Franco Proietti, David Schultz. Sarah Gagnon-Turcotte filmed the performance.

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Harlot as Half Shade

2008-08-30T18:03:00.000-07:00

Track 14 from the September 2008 euphoreador release
ChineSeXXX American Idolatry

Harlot as Half Shade

I need to take each day with a grain of salt
I need to see all my human endeavors as my fault
Line from antiquity, yeah that lady’s for me

I’m crossing all my eyes dash-dotting my tease
S.O.S. please
I’m bleeding all my hard-earned money on total sleaze

I see the bullshit comes easy
A fucking breeze
As they step from every darkness
With my every wheeze
I’m gonna make them prey
Like I pray
From behind
With them on their knees

I see the bullshit comes easy
A fucking breeze

Where art thou in the lane

I need to take each way with my face on the asphalt
I need to see my face in all the clever which way they be

Harken little children
Don’t come this way
There’s no turning back
There is only being prey

Whore the mainstay
For the halflight
For the one who don’t know virtue
Like you do
Hold you breath
Hold your legs so tight

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She'll Find

2008-08-30T17:56:00.000-07:00

Track 15 from the September 2008 euphoreador release
ChineSeXXX American Idolatry

She'll Find

Slowly she change her mind
Open eyes cataracts-kind
It’s her heart that seize me
When she look in my flooded hold she’ll find
Will shaped ore that is solid gold
It just wasn’t shined

When a new sheen is set ablaze
And our stress floats as castaways
Bobbing and sinking
Rising me thinking
It’s you that I adore
So feel me throbbing and sobbing
At your labia’s door

Look deep in the god awful till
Yet look deeper still
Through the broken fabric of detritus
Past the chicken-scratch sawdust and tinselled pus
Beyond the slops of plastic debris there you will find us
Together we are stronger and we go as thus

The heart of the maelstrom calls to me
With whispered winds that softly sleep
The cause a surmounting avoided we
The power can disdain
The calm of the harbor
When the harbinger is the one I am
I come around again
My speak don’t recollect too much you might
With storm clouds gathering around
Don’t trust the calm now
One word to find
Exit
Don’t trust the calm
For through the rest takes effort

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Magdalen with a Different Face

2008-08-30T17:11:00.000-07:00

Track 16 from the September 2008 euphoreador release
ChineSeXXX American Idolatry

Magdalen with a Different Face

Dark angel down
Falling, falling fell
Into the well
Just as my heart stepped
Creeping through
Crypt crept I do
Cross threshold
A season in hell
That’s when she fell away
Like the shade that will fade
With onslaught of day
Jade of eyes that did tantalize
Into the human condition I knew
Bring your bare-naked whole

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Fear Dawned as Night Fell

2008-08-15T20:25:00.000-07:00

Fear Dawned as Night Fell

The soldier beneath my balcony motioned to his lips the quintessential universal sign that all smokers know. The puff sign. So I tossed down a nail figuring ‘here you go’. One always if practical offers out cigarettes. Not when one has too few for the next moments, but when one has enough. Sometimes the last. The soldier dropped the falling offering and then scampered off to the guard box to find some matches. Upon his return to being beneath the balcony he yells up what sounds like ‘yer kay’. I slightly shook my head affirmatively with absolutely no conception of what he was saying to me. An empathetic head-nod. The guard seemed pleased maybe too pleased. For it then struck me that what I had just barely nodded my head too is the question of ‘you’re gay’. It seems impossible to comprehend why I thought this but his question when posed to me sounded closest to those words. ‘He isn’t saying that’ I thought to myself. But no matter, I am misunderstood on the frequent, whether it’s thought, word, or deed. Then the soldier offered to me to listen to his cassette player. I respectfully turned down the much-appreciated offer. Appreciated because I hadn’t had human interaction of any sort for about 2 days, plus it was night and I was conversing (without understanding each other) to someone. I was incredibly afraid to be outside after dark now seeing as how I had just been assaulted in this city less than a month before. I still hadn’t shaken the fear of this foreign, alien, malicious dark. So as I sat back down knowing that not much was being communicated except for the new fact that I was apparently a homosexual. Amused, I had to laugh at my fear and situation, at anything actually, I just had to plain laugh at something.
The hammer swings.

A few nights later it seemed that the same guards were on duty again. I really couldn’t tell but they adorned the same uniforms, had the same type of faces and hair. It being dark and they seemingly being friendly; they may not have been the same people.

I was staying in one of the nicest hotels in all of Bishkek, incredibly afraid to be out after dark. This had never been a feeling I ever really have had. Even when alone and wandering the dark cities anywhere. Only occasionally I have been somewhat nervous when with my lady-friend (more scared for her safety than mine). Seeing as how the hotel was actually connected to the Ministry of Defense and these being soldiers on duty beneath my balcony, I figured I’d venture down and share some of the vodka that I had just offered them. They seemed very enthusiastic to this idea.

I had been watching them a little as I was sitting/standing and reading on the balcony very much bewildered as to their total lack of ability to water the very dehydrated meter-tall pine trees planted beneath me and in front of the hotel. So I walked down the four half-flights of stairs to meet up with some humans. They were watering these ten or so trees by spraying a high-pressure hose at only one of the tree’s roots. This partially exposed its surface system and did nothing for the other trees. So after we poured up some very healthy portions and shot them down we shared some rather mediocre sausage that one of them had brought back from the guardhouse along with plastic cups. I signaled for them to pour up some more while I took the hose and set it down at each of the trees in turn. I did this to make the impact of the high-pressure water much more minimal. We shot some more shots and I tended the trees. They seemed very thankful to hangout even though they and myself exchanged no words that either of us understood. I was glad to be outside, at night, even though it was only just below my hotel room and only for about 15 minutes. I returned to my room feeling a little bit better, a little more human.

I had planned to stay in Kyrgyzstan from between one and two months but the decision to stay for the longer amount was made for me, as I was forced to seek a new passport seeing as how mine had been stolen. I must be one of a very small number of people (on some esoteric bureaucratic list) who currently holds a U.S. passport issued out of the embassy in Bishkek. That fact (I think) has held me up with some customs officers when heading into other countries (few as that number may be). I reflect on this now and not at the time. For my time, when seeking said passport, visas and other traveler’s inter-country papers, was spent being afraid to be out after dark and trying to figure out where and who and what the fuck I had to do.

There was a girl who came to my aid as always seems to be the case. As much as I hide and shy away they seem to come ‘round and help me more then I help myself sometimes. Maybe this is the true purity of the female. They seem to be much more willing and generous.

I walked in to the Kyrgyz consulate to start the bureaucratic wheels a’turnin’. First off, the clerk spoke no English and I spoke no Russian or Kyrgyz. Secondly I had no idea what I actually had to do to begin the process and thirdly there were some rather long lines that I had just waited in to arrive at that point of complete ignorance and non-ability to communicate with the consulate clerk. I tried to explain that my passport was stolen and that I needed a new visa for the duration of time that I had already been in the country until the date that the new visa would expire. This being a fairly complicated concept to relay in language that all parties don’t understand. I had thought of what I didn’t need happening. I didn’t need to finally receive a new visa that would begin sometime in the future while the one that I was legitimately there on expired. I knew I would surely be stopped by some nosy cops and didn’t want more unwarranted trouble with being there during some limbo loophole time-frame on an expired visa while holding a new visa that would not start for some yet to be determined date. This may seem like the splitting of hairs, but I must say that after having dealt with the powers that be I was in no mood whatsoever to be spun through some hostile, hassle-the-tourist hoodwink. I let the man read the police report and that gave him a better idea but then he just pointed at the door from whence I had come and said, "Go". I looked at him and then at the doorway, back at him again and tried to reiterate that I needed a new visa. He made the ‘writing sign’ with his hand and pointed to the door again. I thought that I might never get this visa predicament figured out. I had waited in line for about 25 minutes to be told to leave again. I really didn’t want to wait around anymore, wasting yet additional time, seeing as how the window for consulates to deal with foreigners was already small and on specific days (only 2 hours on Tuesday and Thursday). I had no desire to be told (or shown) yet again that I lacked ‘vital’ papers of a most critical nature. I didn’t know then that I soon enough would continue to do this waiting with improper procedural papers over and over again, in a multitude of languages and a multiplicity of locations. Waiting in lines and going to correct and incorrect places. Talking to the right and wrong people.

So I exited into one of the numerous antechambers between the entrance and the main clerical room. There were a large number of people waiting here as well. Everywhere was people waiting. I saw a Caucasian girl here amongst the throng and accosted her for assistance. Maybe I asked her for help because she was more similar to me in appearance or because most of the Kyrgyz I had run into didn’t speak my tongue. Whatever the reason, she was most helpful in showing me which forms I had to fill out and where actually they could be obtained. So with newly filled out forms I stepped back into the lines and waited my turn. This time it seemed that things would start working. The clerk nodded his head and rubber-stamped a bunch of places. I had to relinquish my brand-new, two-day old passport I had received from the U.S. embassy there. I was very hesitant to part with it after I had been sans passport for over a month. I was told to come back to retrieve it a week later at a time when the consulate was actually supposed to be closed. I thought that this smelled of grift but what was I to do being in a country where money talked and I actually had enough where I could make it be heard. Doesn’t, unfortunately, money speak everywhere, and usually only in avaricious drivel-toned, repugnant cadence?

I had made a half dozen treks to the U.S. embassy and even met the ambassador himself. The first time I went to the U.S. embassy by my lonesome I thought the little van would take me out of the city and continue to some other forsaken place. Forsaken because my nerves were still jangled and everything was so new that I was completely unsure of the correct movements and motions. The embassy is much on the outskirts and to get to it you almost have to leave the city. It always seemed that I had missed the spot to get off and walk the rest of the way. But I managed. The last time I went I was held up in the security checkpoint for almost an hour as they thought I might have had bomb-making components in my hair. I was as amicable as possible but that was the day I was to receive my new passport and another hang-up was to be expected but also just add to all of the everything that made it so much more of a huge hassle.

So after my passport was given to the clerk I went to find the girl who had helped me and offered to buy her and her colleague lunch. This, I suggested, as a show of my appreciation plus meeting new people is often an enjoyable occurrence. They had to return back to their offices but I was shown where I could have passport photos taken. I needed to give the Kyrgyz embassy two or so, not to mention how many I would have to give the Chinese. So we parted but she invited me to a concert a few days later at the stadium and I heartily agreed. I gave her my phone number in case she wanted to converse with me before hand, to see that I was actually a nice guy. It didn’t hit me until after I had started walking back to my hotel room, aka (safe house), that I had just agreed to meet her on some corner at night in the city where I was now afraid to be out after dark. A quick fear trembled through me but I knew I had to face the darkness sometime. Plus, this was an external darkness usually easier to face than the internal black.

So we met at the designated time and location and walked to the stadium together. There was an incredible amount of people trying to get in and this comforted me to some extent because I figured that I was less likely to be attacked again with so many people around. If I was out after dark where would the attackers be coming from and what could I do. Not just be careful but WHERE WOULD THEY BE COMING FROM! This was now what I would be thinking for some time into the future. We walked to an entrance with less people pushing and shoving to get in. I was told that the bands we would see were very popular in Russia as well as Kyrgyzstan. I was up for something more than being in my hotel. As the show went on I eased into a more relaxed feeling and she and I chatted about things and life. The music was very pop and pretty nice. It was fairly obvious that the singer was lip-syncing but rather enjoyable seeing as what else I had been doing, such as reading for 6 or more hours a day for the past good amount of weeks.

She decided to go see if she could find her friends who may have been attending the concert, as well as to grab some beverages. So I stayed to hold our seats and continued to watch the show. Seated directly in front of us was a group of about 5 Kyrgyz guys in their mid-twenties. One of them turned around and tried to start conversing with me. I tried to as well. We fumbled through words and made each other laugh at our inability. I felt more at ease and watched more of the concert. Then when he turned around again he informed me in his best English yet, that he really enjoyed boxing, fighting or anything that had to with violent activities. He seemingly told this to me as a new confidant, more quietly than before and almost an aside that his friends didn’t necessarily need to hear at the present. This normally wouldn’t have meant anything accept for the sheer fact alone that this dude had way too much testosterone. But after getting boxed to the ground already in that country he informing me that he liked pugilism only succeeded in making me think that what he really wanted to do was pummel me to the dirt. It was like being at a picnic that is thoroughly enjoyable, in the sun, with friends, playing croquet, and having brought your dog or cat along to enjoy the wonderful ambiance. Then at the height of the exceptional day being told by a friend that your pet actually is now dead, being crushed beneath the car tire there in the street behind you. I kid you not. The frazzled nature in which I was existing at the time made what he told me feel as ton-of-bricks heavy as some incredibly painful knowledge. The wind was truly sucked out of my sails. My heart quickened and I tried my best to keep up the pseudo-humorous lack of communication that had been going on, and that had abruptly been choked off on my side by the new information I was unfortunately now privy too. All I could think about was how had I allowed myself to get into another situation where I was going to get my ass kicked yet again! He and his friends grew more animated as the show continued. He informed me that the last band was his and his friends’ favorite. I could only imagine what the favorite band of a group of Kyrgyz guys that like to fight and that would be subsequently kicking my ass, could truly be. Was it going to be some Death Metal? How about some hard Gangsta Rap? What about punk? I really couldn’t decide. I hastily whirled through the possibilities in my mind. I was however, still thinking in terms of occidental culture, what people that enjoy fighting would listen to according to my preconceived notions. What would be my assailants theme? This is what I thought about for sometime and that I really didn’t want to ever find out. I knew whatever it was going to be I would most likely not enjoy it. Not the music itself per se, because I so enjoy many elements from many styles, but the physical assault I believed to now be so agonizingly imminent.
My new friend, Masha, finally returned and that eased my nerves a little. Not that she would have been able to protect or defend me but that she could more successfully yell for help on my behalf. The moment of truth arrived as to what the sonic make-up would be for the soundtrack to my beat-down. The stage dimmed, the spectators rose to their feet and smoke began billowing out onto the stage. Then came a low rumbling of synth. It struck me as how much like Depeche Mode this was going to be. I thought ‘hey’ this could be worse it could be some ridiculous kind of music. But this was starting off sounding very cool. The music I was going to be beat-up too was actually going to be cool, a small consolation at the time. The swooning keys began to take a more melodious gait while the smoke continued to gather and the lights started to flicker and move. My next attackers began to shout as well as most of the people. They started to jump up and down and really get heated up. The palpable excitement only grew the longer this intro went. Then right at the moment I thought it was going to kick in to some uber-cool industrial music, five guys ran out onto the stage and the most unexpected boy-band tune was afoot. It was like a burst of gay sunrays through the dark and cool storm cloud of music. I stood completely dumbfounded. Everyone else was yelling and screaming at this New Kids on the Block/Backstreet Boys Russian knock-off version and I was completely speechless. Not that I had been yelling in anticipatory excitement but I was so thoroughly stunned. I didn’t know if I was more shocked that I was going to be beat-up or the fact that the favorite music of the perpetrators was considered to be ‘gay’ by popular culture in the U.S. if men of that age listened to it. Not necessarily that the music was homosexual but a definite derogatory opinion with some of that connotation. Where I’m from only usually pre-teen girls listen to that genre of music. The dancers/lip-sync enthusiasts were busting out some super half-assed dance moves like they had just learned to dance the week prior to this performance. So, I was incredibly surprised. I had not conceived, even on a whim, that this was to be the aural accompaniment to my next injurious altercation. I had to think, what strange new hell is this!
As the show advanced and Masha actually conversed a little with the guys in front of us, I grew more at ease. They eventually moved to get better seats but I thought perhaps they moved only to get in better position for a much more formidable surprise attack. I was still somewhat nervous as we stayed through the entire concert. Some people began leaving early so there was a constant stream of exodus for the last 45 minutes of the show. I really didn’t want us to be the last people to leave. The thought of my return to the hotel was becoming more and more weightily present. As soon as the music was over we departed and I jockeyed us into the far edge of a large crowd. This so I could look around behind me to see and hear the omnipresent attackers and be able to keep an eye on everyone in front of me. It was a very nervous and brisk walk. As fast as possible without looking as worried as I seriously was. Never let ‘them’ scent your fear. I was rife with the odor. She tried to talk about the show and other nice things but all I could do with my prey induced, self-preservation thought, was focus on where everyone around us was located. I saw her to a taxi about halfway back to my hotel, on a very non-streetlight-lit street. She headed away home, safe. Then I increased my brisk stride and arrived back at the hotel, I felt, miraculously unscathed. Now that was a show!

A few weeks later I was told by Joe that his ‘foster father’ (the owner of the house where Joe and Caroline lived) wanted me to get in contact with a friend of his that lived in Bishkek. His friend spoke some English and wanted to meet with me to practice. I was on a very loose schedule that consisted of reading, shopping for food and liquor that I would bring back to the hotel room, attending a play or concert or going to a museum, and then every couple of days going to a consulate or embassy. All of this most certainly done with one lone chief goal, to return to the hotel before sundown like some kind of reverse vampire.

So this man called me up and we made and broke various appointments and finally kept one about a week before I left that country. We arranged to meet in the main park of the city where there are some theaters and restaurants skirting on the eastern exterior. He had invited his niece along that spoke English a little bit better than he did. So all three of us went to a restaurant that served ‘Western’ food. They thinking, perhaps, that this would impress me by having us eat some food that I was familiar with. (To be honest I really don’t care what style food is prepared in. I am very open to almost all. I do cook certain things and try new, dreamed up recipes of mine occasionally and I definitely try new styles of food, especially in a foreign land. One has to keep in mind that people in some countries think that ‘Western’ food is from a higher social-strata, it usually is, due to its unbelievably more expensive price. I really felt quite embarrassed at this because I am a human like any other. Also, most ‘Western’ food has almost become synonymous with fast food and the like. I am not much of a fan of fast food at all. In fact I steer clear of the shit). We sat down at a table outside and I was told to order whatever I wanted. I didn’t want to make him seem cheap because I already knew that I was most definitely his guest and I didn’t want to force him to pay too much, so I ordered one of the least expensive wines, which was still quite a luxury in Bishkek. The waitress came and lit the candle in the center of the table and poured our glasses full. The girl and I started conversing in a more amicable way. She was fairly cute and very nice. We talked about Bishkek and what I like to do. Art, reading and the like. This suddenly seemed to piss the man off. We had all three of us been at the table about 15 minutes when he, out of nowhere, laid into her, very angrily and extremely animated. We had already ordered our food and were all sharing the wine when he informed me that his niece would now promptly be taking leave from our company. I asked why this was seeing as how her food was coming and he said that she had someone else to meet, a friend. I found this highly unusual but after they had this yelling match maybe it would be for the best. But the yelling match had basically been one sided, from his. So she left, which was against my wishes because she was female and much closer to my age and we had been trying at nice conversation. Now I became engaged into a conversation with some older man by about 15 years, at a supper, overly romantic candle-lit dinner in a crazy country that I was afraid to be outside in after dark. There were about 5 other couples at the restaurant, all man and woman. I was with some dude who had just shouted away the lone female from our table before the food had arrived and who was wearing a white sweater wrapped around his shoulders, tied at his chest. This isn’t a sure sign for ‘gay’ but then again I think that in his case, it was.

So the sun slowly sank and with it my fear rose. The dinner lasted some 2 hours and we had good enough conversation, I trying to keep it away from sports and other things that are the easy questions to acquire from courses and on things I find much more interesting. I talked about some of the shows I had been to see. Such as the 3 hour Russian farce play, where I understood only about 16 words and how I had clung to those 16 words for any semblance of understanding. But what is fascinating about watching plays in other languages is the fact that the actors are human and how body language and movement as well as the tone of voice have so much to do with the conveyance of the intended message. Add to that context and an open, willing mind to understand and I understood the main gist, I suppose, by sheer will. That is my summation and no one else’s. I could have missed everything. We discussed cars, of which I am no real source for information but I could hold my own especially with someone trying to speak a second language. We talked about many things. I couldn’t quite shake the fact that he had screamed away the girl and the inescapable thought that it was now night and I still had to walk back to my apartment.

I mistakenly acquiesced to his suggestion that he escort me back to my hotel. I thought that surely there is strength in numbers and that obviously two in a fight is better than one. But what I have yet to mention is that this guy was also lame. I mean really he was lame. His left leg was not very useful, he could stand and pseudo-walk, but his walking speed was at such a fraction of the pace that I needed, to return to my hotel room promptly. Instead of using it to walk it was more like sliding it on the ground to use as a brace to lunge his much more useful leg forward. So what I had thought about the safety in numbers, was blown out of the water by the site that we must have created. Here we were moving across the park, creeping, ever so painfully slowly, me, a definite foreigner and he, a half-cripple middle-aged man. We seriously must have been the envy of all would-be attackers. I was so certain of this. The conversation, incredibly sketchy by this time. I was trying to keep a look out for the perps and yet trying to keep a steady flow of information. I really don’t know how I did it. The distance back to my hotel was about 2 km and it would have taken me alone approximately 10 minutes. We seriously snailed along for about 30 minutes, all this time with me in a sort of reserved panic. This man had on the whitest of preppy sweaters, dangling about his shoulders like some kind of mugger’s target beacon pinned to his back. In the darkness of the night it was shining like a huge hunk of iron on a submarine’s radar. A bull’s eye beckoning for the beat down or so I thought.

We arrived safe enough at my hotel and I thought he would leave me at that but no, he wished to see what a hotel room there looked like as well as use the facilities. I am not sure why but it may have had something to due with the former much more oppressive regime but he actually asked the permission of the hotel clerks to accompany me, to my chagrin, up to my room. He was told that they didn’t mind. Like what hotel clerk anywhere minds who comes and goes with one of their best paying customers? This man must not have been in many hotels for sure and that is one reason (hopefully the only one) that he wanted to come to my room. So we went and I showed him briefly around the non-too-spectacular room that was definitely nice enough. Then he used the facilities and while he did this I left the door to the room ajar to let him know that was the way out, in case he had forgotten. He left and I settled into any easier mind-frame and prepared myself mentally for the next part of my journey the following week into China. I mostly hoped that I would leave my fear behind.

Southwest to the City of Sin, Onwards Through the Valley of Death

2008-08-15T19:59:00.000-07:00

Southwest to the City of Sin, Onwards through the Valley of Death

The goal was Vegas in 24 hours. To hit up the city in our style. Then make it to San Francisco within two days after that to meet up with six or so other friends at the airport. A small miracle really. Or some crazed concept considered a great idea. Whatever it was, I jumped at the chance. Two friends, Cory and Dave, and myself would make the trek by car. This most circuitous route to San Francisco was only for the thrill and to see if we could.

I was also accompanied by a new video camera that another friend, Jean-Michel "Gay-Paris" Marr, and I had purchased with the goal of documenting this final childhood trip, or perhaps the first trip of adulthood. His middle name is really Perry but seeing as he was actually born in a French speaking country his parents had given him a French name. We called him Mike. The "Gay" as in happy "Paris" was made by me as a subtle change to accentuate this fact of his birth locale. He would be among the friends we were to meet at the airport. I don’t think that many of my friends looked at the journey in those terms of childhood finality, or even if I did, but I knew that it would be the last time we would be this many friends all going on a trip of this nature. One of the friends, Kristin, was also 3 months or so pregnant, this fact would definitely change the situation for some of them very soon.

We started driving in the late afternoon on a Wednesday. All three of us were in very good spirits. I was using the new camera and getting a feeling of how I could work it and what I could do with it as well.

24 hours straight is a very intensive type of travel especially in a car, mainly due to the cramped quarters. I find it strange because as you look out the windows there advances the sprawl of Earth that one legitimately could reach out and physically touch. This being a little different story when on an airplane even though the quarters are still a little cramped.

The Great American Plains are truly a marvel. Just how expansive they are baffles the mind and how they just really do roll and continue. How flat Kansas is, is still unbelievable, some grad students somewhere measured and mapped a pancake and then using some new-fangled satellite telemetry deduced the dimensions of that state. Voila, now we know that Kansas IS flatter than a pancake.

Our first major stop where Cory was able to relax a bit was near Denver. We found a very wonderful park high a-top the Rockies’ western facing side of the continental divide, where he laid on the ground for some time, stretched out. The gorge we were next to was very beautiful and I took the opportunity to test my camera panning abilities, shooting video and getting a broader sense of the capabilities of digital video. We took a stroll around the little park perched amongst the heavens. We contemplated a bird that was circling around the chasm even higher and then lower than we were. What might it be doing? How long will it stay doing it? And so on and so forth. Like most of the places we rested, the brevity of the stay was due to the time constraints we had placed on the journey and the vast distances we had to traverse. We sped off at our break-neck pace trying to accomplish our goal.

Pulling into a Denny’s in Utah (much to my chagrin as I really do try to stay away from the mass omnipresent restaurants) was a brief something in mundane. We walked in and received many hard looks from the other patrons. Then when I tried to order a beer I was glared at by even more customers and some actually turned around in the booth next to us for the specific reason of staring at the ignorant. Most places in Utah are dry. I was informed that they didn’t serve any liquor by a very agitated waitress. Maybe she was just upset due to the fact that she worked there. (I do have a friend that had a job at a Denny’s and she was adamant about how much she enjoyed working there. She liked it so much in fact that one New Year’s Eve a bunch of people and I stopped there after partying so she could loose herself in barf-colored fast food American nostalgia that I criticized a little to harshly, making her cry. She being a little quick on the tear-trigger and me being a big dick sometimes. I hadn’t realized that she had in fact worked there until after I, unbeknownced to me, had made very curt and most likely contemptuous observations about the place and the lighting. Also about how the jukebox had first stolen my money and then played my selections way too quietly. I had always pictured another Denny’s to be the one she had worked at, if they are actually any different from one to the next. This was the start of her new year. I hope it went better after that first morning.) I hadn’t known about the no-booze policy. We ate our mediocre meals and upon exiting we found a brochure for cheap Vegas hotels. It must have been divine intervention but we found one listed right on The Strip for about $25 a night. We quickly settled on this one as the place we would stay.

The ‘highway to heaven’ in Southwestern Utah was one of the worst any of us had ever been on or seen. Potholes, bumps and large rocks coalesced to create a thoroughly terrible road. They had also stripped the road down and seemed to be in the process of laying new asphalt. But what I thought and commented on was how the Mormon government there may have actually wanted to make the road to Sin City the worst as possible, almost non-usable. Perhaps this was true, because for many miles (20, 30 or more) the road was truly terrible and I am sure that they may not look too fondly on the Vice Capital. Stopping at the rest-station in really the middle of nowhere after the car precariously slipping and thunderously sliding on loose rocks and gravel, we relieved ourselves. With the dust being kicked-up from the deconstructed road by all the different vehicles big and small alike, enshrouded the rest-station in a blanket of isolation. It singularly, alone, with there being no lights on the highway just next to it to give it any contextual semblance. It created a creepy constricting atmosphere with the dust cloud wrapped around the building, billowing like smoke. People all seem especially strange at a rest stop in the middle of the night more so after many endless hours of being cooped up in a car. The people that came and went all seemed wired, we probably did as well to them. Each person strained from driving, the dirty air stinging the eyes and everyone looking at each other through squinty lids a little on edge. Some, perhaps, longing to find companionship of one kind or another. Others a midnight rendezvous. Some just to relieve their waste filled organs. We stayed about 15 minutes before continuing the journey on down that treacherous road to Vegas.

After some more hours on the road, all of us very tired and fatigued. Cory, who was still driving, who always insisted on driving, began to talk about some ‘weird’ animals that he could periodically see just off the road on either side. Dave and I could not see these animals so we laughed very hard and told Cory that he was crazy, as one does when a third party tells the other two something that the other two don’t believe. Then most unexpectedly we screeched to a halt, all of us very startled, at least Dave and I. Cory had thought that one of the ‘imaginary’ animals had moved onto the road in front of us and we were on a trajectory to collide with it. This only made me laugh more but really freaked Dave out. I who have never really driven a car but for three times and never had a license, have usually given the driver a great amount of trust and never usually felt scared or nervous. So I laughed at the lunacy of him having slammed on the breaks to stop us from hitting the imaginary animals. We started moving again after realizing the danger we were in just sitting stationary on the highway.

Approaching Vegas by night is a spectacular sight. From nowhere rises a city bedazzling and alive. The desert subsides, the darkness wanes and then you round a bend. There in the valley looms a huge amount of little jewel like lights, vastly more than just casinos’.

Stopping to get some gas and use the restroom we pulled into a station on the outskirts, wanting to avoid the hassle of doing so in the city proper. The station seemed as from some movie. There was a green illumination covering a very cheap motel adjacent. The station itself exuded seediness. I went in and there were two women and the clerk. The women were speaking to each other in excited tones. I strode to the can where I encountered an abnormal amount of blood splattered everywhere (not that blood-splatter is normal but I have seen a little here and there). The blood was freely strewn on the floor, in the urinal, on the walls and in the sink. Almost everywhere had some amount. There also stood a man bent slightly over, holding his bleeding face that quickly ceased using the urinal and vacated the restroom after our eyes had met in a state of mutual shock. He, surprised because someone had entered this war zone unannounced and I, because of the striking state of the affairs. The greenish hue still slightly blinking and shining in here on the blood covered green-tiled floor. It seemed like some kind of swamp thing. Not that I have seen that movie if one exists but the colors seemed to fit those words. Very eerie. I stepped up to the facilities not really behaving as if anything was awry and afterwards left briskly. The injured man had rejoined the women and then they stared at me as I sauntered out of the store. I hope they pierced together their conundrum as much as the man’s face seemed to be.

It was a little after 9pm when we pulled into the brochurely divinated hotel. What a perfect time to arrive in Vegas. We hadn’t slept in 24 hours but had made it to Sin City. After checking in it was time to hit The Strip. We were revived with our whirlwind accomplishment and the excitement of being there. The first place we moseyed into was probably the last place that any mid-twenty year old dudes ever go into. It was an old-time mostly nickel betting joint. It suited the moment of crazy adventure to not head straight to where everyone else goes but to head into the professional gambler/drinker abode. We walked in and sat at the bar, ordered some top-shelf drinks then started to gamble. This ordering of the high-end liquor peaked the interest of a fairly washed-up hooker. She swung her caboose into the seat next to Dave who was on my left. Dave who has always been very affable with females flirted nicely while we all gambled and put back some drinks. Not that I have ever been rich or gambled very much (but a good amount) did think and still do that nickel betting is close to a waste of time. It should at least be quarters to get any bang for the buck. So we said some goodbyes to the regulars, the hookers and both types of tender (legal and bar).

Vegas smells rankly fragrant of opulence, that is part of its allure. Its face had changed quite drastically since the last time I had been there as it always seems to. We ventured in and out of the major casinos and settled down in the Bellagio at the far end of a bar with most of it being comprised of quarter slots. Dave and I ordered up some drinks (Jonnie Walker most likely) and Cory ordered up a Long Island. We laughed our gamblings away. Then with no warning, Cory who had only drank a little of his ‘Tea’, moved his hand, spilling the contents of his drink onto and into the machine in front of him. With a queer electrical sound and a poof type of flash the said machine shorted out. We had a thoroughly grand laugh, then hastily debated whether or not to take our leave and find somewhere else to sit. Somewhere, anywhere, that one of us hadn’t destroyed an expensive slot machine. Dave held us firm and when the bartender promptly came back around, explained to him what had just happened. The barkeeper, I thought would do something such as take our names or have us pay for the machine, something of this nature, but he batted no eye and asked Cory in a very friendly manner what kind of drink it had been. The barkeeper, after being told, proceeded to make an even stronger Long Island and cooly said that it was on the house with absolutely no pun intended. We stayed there awhile then headed off on our gallivanting around The Strip.

We holed ourselves up in Caesar’s Palace at a place called Silhouette or something like that where above and behind the bar were two screens with a woman behind each, dancing, with a bright light shining on each of them from behind. Very classy and sexy we all agreed. We ordered some more drinks and then Cory started talking to the waitress. This would have been normal enough and obviously part of the night except for what he choose to relay. I really don’t know what he was thinking but it certainly couldn’t have had anything to do with trying to impress her, for he told her a lot about how he had driven while being drunk before. She didn’t seem to think that that was very cool or that we were either. I was just dumbfounded as to why he would be disclosing these lapses in his judgement. When she took her leave to get our orders, I tried to ask Cory why in hell’s name he was telling her about that when he could be telling her about seriously anything else. He agreed that maybe he shouldn’t be. So with me believing that he was finished and that was that for the most ridiculous of chapters, she came back and he started in again on drunk driving. She looked at me very skeptical as to our suave natures so I quickly interjected that we were in fact only walking that night, which was true. She rolled her weary eyes and thought that was for the best, then before leaving us our liquor I mustered some deeply buried cool exterior, adorned it, then agreed with her assessment. We joked and laughed and watched the silhouettes of the dancers, debating at first if they were real or just video until we saw the dancers replaced by the next shift. We had probably stayed there too long.

Upon exiting to the outside world Cory and Dave began arguing so much so that Dave decided to return to the hotel. It seems understandable seeing as we had been in each other’s company strait for more than 24 hours. I never usually become so animated with my male friends only sometimes with a girlfriend. I think it is because more of myself, that is to say, different and more palpable emotions are invested into such a relationship. Cory and I went a different way, getting briefly lost. We discussed existence and reason for living. The kind of conversation I so thoroughly enjoy, especially one on one or in very small intimate groups, where with ego aside and true ‘self’ presiding, emotions and ideas come flooding up from a too often forgotten and nary tapped cauldron. This must have gone on for an hour at least as we traipsed up and down the seemingly more than normal empty weeknight Vegas streets. We got back to the hotel and alas we slept.

We awoke and I visited with my father and brother that both live there for the day. Then my brother escorted Dave, Cory and myself around to see some of the sites as I captured the interesting colors and sounds on video. Then we napped a few hours until the early morn, before driving off. We wanted to make it through Death Valley in front of the sun, before it had risen too high and we would be consumed in the heat of the hottest place in North America and perhaps add to the number of people that had expired, giving the place its name.

We entered Death Valley and got a substantial ways into it. I was able to video the sun rising overhead which had been one of my personal goals of the trip. Quite a wonderful feeling. Here we little humans were in the middle of that forsakenly beautiful place with the sun throwing its ever-increasing light onto both the salt-coated sand and us. We drove on and stopped at the lowest point in the whole continent to soak up the situation and individually reflect upon the significance, plus we had arrived early enough so it wasn’t so hot yet.

In the San Bernardino Valley Dave and Cory suggested that we finish off the shrooms which weren’t very many. We all agreed that that was a good idea and let them kick in as the scenery, which was very beautiful, and the music, were allowed to pass and waft over us as we hastened our way towards San Francisco. Dave wanted to piss so we found a most basic rest area with one porto-potty. Dave, who was acting a bit strange, decided to seek sleep outside in the shade. This usually would be a wonderful idea if we had no time constraint nor if he hadn’t decided on lying down next to the obscenely rank Biffo. Of all the places in this area to take shade (which were numerous) he had decided on the one most likely to have pee all over it plus the smell within 10 feet of this area was rank-foul. Cory and I laughed a great deal at Dave’s selection of place for respite. We finally coaxed a very discombobulated Dave back into the car and set off again in very high spirits.

Stopping to get some beverages at a gas station, Cory and I stood in amazement at what we were looking at. A very strange amalgamation of shapes and images just across the road on the other side from where we stood. Cars and trucks sped past as a regular occurrence that only added to our inability to fully comprehend what we were gazing at. There were real standing hindquarters of two horses, a large poster of a lady smiling, a car, a truck, a smattering of many colors and a vehicle with many house windows affixed to its side. All of these things overlapped in our field of vision that it was very hard to discern where one ended and another began or what was actually still a part of itself. It really was a spectacular sight that I don’t think Dave fully appreciated due to the fact that he didn’t look at these things as long as we did and we had teased him for a good while about lying next to the porto-Biffo in the ungodly stench. This maybe dampened his mood briefly, a little.

Passing into and through Yosemite National Park I was somewhat nervous at points for the first time on the trip due to all of our fatigue and of how high up the cliffs we were. Most places seemed to have no guardrails. We stopped at least at two scenic spots. The first where we took some exceptionally cool photos and video of Cory appearing to walk on water. There were some rocks just below a pond’s surface that really made it seem in a large way that he defied logic. The second was another pond high in the mountains where we three beleaguered dudes thought we could catch 30 minutes of shut-eye. This was to no avail as where we had lain on the rocks by the pond was inundated with families consisting of very loud, screaming children. So we rested and soaked up the wondrous sun.

We finally arrived at the airport in San Francisco incredibly on time, in fact about 35 minutes early. We wrote up some silly name cards for our friends to read when they stepped off the plane. They seemed to find the names rather lame in fact, when they finally read them. This being the last summer before 9/11 so we were able to wait for them at the gate. We slumped fairly tired into some seats to await our arriving friends. It struck me as very cool to consider all the distance we had come and all we had seen and now here were more friends just arriving not knowing any of that or about how tired we were. All of us eager and ready to have, find and make more revelry.

The newcomers to the operation rented a minivan a couple of days later and off we all headed to a hostel near the Red Woods on our way to Mike’s uncle’s place. The hostel from the start was sub-par. A 10pm curfew, we had to remove our shoes and I don’t think they allowed alcohol on the premises. Neither of the last two reasons were incredibly terrible but the first, I mean come on. You can’t be out past 10pm just sitting and looking at the stars? But when it came time to remove my shoes I had just put some powder in them to make them smell good about an hour before. So when I took my shoes off the powder got all over the ground and left white footprints up the first couple of stairs. This maybe made up for what they had us do later.

We headed to the nearby beach and talked and made fun. We met a young Arab classical composer that after chatting with him for awhile he told us to keep an eye out for him in the future because he was to become famous. Maybe/maybe not but after 9/11, which soon came, it is more likely that the FBI kept an eye on him for us.

We turned in early at the required time to receive some much-warranted sleep. In the morning after packing up the vehicles we found the last piece to the uber-weak hostel’s pie. We evidently had missed the part that all of us had needed to sign up on the chore sheet to help clean. Since we were new to the place all the other travelers had already signed up for the small and easy jobs. It was left up to our gang to clean most of the place, sweeping and mopping. So some of us in our ironic humor whistled the ‘Whistle While you Work’ song from Snow White while cleaning. After having done way too much for the ridiculous hostel (seeing as we were there about 12 hours) we finally left, vowing never to return.

At Mike’s uncle’s (which was a couple of cabins on a bunch of forestland) we were putting back some beers and everyone was taking turns shooting the guns at bottle and can targets. Everyone was being extra cautious and some of us suggested ways as to how to make it safer. Then Dave proceeded to take a turn. He did everything like everyone else had been doing but when he got to the spot just above the steps, like where everyone else stood when shooting, he succeeded in falling down the steps with rifle in hand. He only fell about 4 steps and rolled about one full revolution. It was a little dangerous but extremely funny. I don’t know if anyone had thought about making the activity safer by making it fall-proof. This could have only happened to him. It was quite humorous as his legs and arms wound through the stairs briefly entangled as he was, still clutching the rifle. We helped him up, dusted him off and he started all over again.

Later on I was given the opportunity to kill a chicken for dinner with a small hatchet. I took the opportunity very enthusiastically. To prepare for this, Tyson put a hat on, cocked askew to one side, to make himself look way more ‘hick’ than normal and I tied my shirt around my neck like a superhero cape. We road in the back of the pickup truck like executioners to the beheading trough. My first ‘coup-de-grace’ didn’t completely sever the head that it was supposed to have done, so I hacked away at its flailing neck a few more times until its head was finally severed. Mike’s uncle, Jim, had two daughters that were both running around and screaming by this point. It really is amazing how much energy a chicken retains even when sans electrical signal processing center (brain). I then learned how to clean the chicken and cook it. Something to know for sure. Jim’s wife stated that I must have been really into biology when I was in school, I laughed and said that I was no more interested in that than in anything else and that almost everything did interest me. I think she figured that I must be sadistic. I am just interested in knowledge and a posteriori truths. I wanted to experience the whole chain-of-events for what it means to eat meat, to be alive in a sense. Not many people focus on the gruesome aspects of being alive especially when they think that chicken breasts appear out of nowhere ready to be purchased from a grocery store, already packaged, just waiting to be eaten. My bologna has a first name, it’s C A N I V E R O U S M U R D E R! The fact that simply to be alive and remain alive means by necessity the consumption of other living things, animal and vegetable. I have thought about this before, that people who don’t eat meat for some type of moral objection (not that I care if they do or don’t) really don’t see the whole picture. As well as people who eat too much of it. When humans put animals to be slaughtered in rows upon rows of cages it is similar to the cultivation of plants into fertile rows for harvest. Albeit that animals long to move around a lot more (laugh) but by putting plants into rows and not allowing them to freely procreate and let the wind move them hither-and-yon is similar to a point. These are not exactly the same thing seeing as how plants and animals ARE different but still, look at it seriously in terms of; for us to continue being alive we have to consume other living things for energy, whatever they be. In this regard they are incredibly the same and humans have tried to find ways of more efficient harvesting, since the beginning of civilization. Not that efficiency is the answer and it definitely can lead to cruelty. It is absurd when it exclusively is in the name of profit margin. We do have some type of moral obligation to be ‘humane’ but not because they are animals. This could be taken, in a sense, as speciesist. That only animals need to be allowed to free-range or something like that. But, hey, everything we use as food we usually first have to kill, maybe we find an apple that has fallen from a tree or we eat a dead pheasant that we stumble onto, but surely they have to die. That is my main point of the similarity. Nothing more. But what an incredibly large similarity for us and for them! I just don’t think many people truly realize this or appreciate fully the meaning of continuance in existing. The chicken was a little tough, or so thought some of my friends who supped on its flesh, but I thought it was just plain, ‘good eat’n’, especially for my first chicken-kill.
Later that same night after Mike and I had allowed Jim’s daughters to play dress-up with us into long skirts and make-up, Jim wanted to test drive the mini-van. So Joe, Tyson, Mike and myself climbed into it and off we tore along the rural mountain roads. His uncle rounded a curve when a rabbit came bounding out to freeze in front of us. Jim tried to humorously scare it out of the way by briefly speeding-up towards it but only succeeded in blasting it to the other side of the road. Jim stopped to survey the scene and when he got back in what now accompanied his hand was the mauled rabbit. He hurled the bloody lifeless bunny into the back where we were sitting. All of us were screaming and yelling, trying to seek shelter. What proceeded next were five minutes of busted-up bleeding rabbit carcass being thrown around the van. Droplets of blood were going everywhere. On the ceiling, floor, seats, on our clothes, faces and hands. One person would get a hold of it and promptly chuck it at someone on the other side of the vehicle. This was followed again in turn. All the while, all of us yelling and laughing hysterically as Jim went driving sporadically, jerking and swerving down the road. We kept falling and being thrown around the van like the dead rabbit that we threw. Rag dolls the whole lot of us. It was definitely a crazy and highly unusual thing to throw around in a mini-van, moving or stationary.

We finally threw it out and arrived back at the cabin and I in my narrow-minded clarity said how we should immediately clean the van. This wasn’t so well received by the others and when Joe’s girlfriend, Caroline, came out to see what had taken us so long. I only said something to escalate the sobering realization of the gory situation and get Joe into a worse mood than he was in. The now blood engorged mini-van was rented in his name! I calmly told him that his girlfriend was being a bitch because she had started to scold him for having been gone so long even though she knew nothing of the rabbit incident or the state of the van. She had seemed to briefly act this way since I was so concentrated on wanting to rectify the splatter. We didn’t clean the van that night, but soon enough it was thoroughly cleaned.

The night grew older and we all faded, one by one, off to sleep. Some of us remaining better friends to this day than others (for a myriad of different reasons) but all of us having shared at least in the ending of our childhood together and all of us enduring through our various transitions into the constant change of now.

The Drowning of Adolf Bliss (excerpt)

2007-05-13T09:18:00.000-07:00

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The Drowning of Adolf Bliss
I

The drowning started long ago. Perhaps not a specific number of days or months, not even years, but lifetimes. Lives which would come and go through his: some as tangible as the concept of air while others as non-inhalating as the distance betwixt stars. These lives which enhanced or detracted from his were strange indeed. Some lifted his head from the waterline, some even listed him buoyant, while most often he himself was the anchor to which he had fastened his faith, and of which was the weight dragging him under. The passion that was visceral was ever-present for him to stay above the waters. To tread water, if the reader will visualize. His heart knew how to swim, even how to leave the water entirely for dry secure safe sacred ground. It was his mind, or more to be certain, his thoughts that renewed oft with a vengeance his ability to coordinate the function of his arms and legs with dire consequence. Picture sub 60-degree water; for about 15 minutes a man can tread respectably, thereafter it is all downhill. One looses all ability to work the limbs cohesively, most recognition of swimming is certainly lost.

This is roughly the point we find Mr. Bliss. Almost a rag-doll caught in the surf. Tossed pell-mell, but not quite a lost soul: a quite discombobulated and otherwise incapable of motion, but not a lost. That is too strong a word to describe this plight, although maybe an easier word to use. For all intents-and-purposes he does appear to be lost, adrift, an insufferable atoll of humankind. One with no trees, no blossoms, no shelter from sunlight. A shattered visage of an island. Land where birds would not fly to, would not land on, wouldn’t even shit upon.

He awoke to the song of strange birds.

These are the days that die in men’s souls.

He sits and hears nothing. Ponders but no whim to steer him. Conceives the day’s hours and listless the morning grieves. He hikes up his sleeves. The blanket of hope, a piece for the - nancy…drew - out the ace of spades.

If only he’d delved deeper, you know dug to the heart of the beast. Then the feast for most ways would at least agree just to disagree. He’s lost in the hemline. Is it hi? Is it yours? Is it undressing the women that men-pigs call whores?
He’s befuddled and frayed he thinks the last sex he had was paid. But no it was not, his sheer bashfulness is larger than g-spot. Good ol’ X marks it. Or 3 if you call the strikes. Do you remember triple-wheeled bikes? His ears are ringing. The eunuchs are singing, "We three kings from orient are, tried to covet your ways and your car. The flash and pain a lonesome refrain. Self in blunder fell in fright."

His sheets are not clean. Never are they changed. He lives in a world.

Without much preparation the hero stumbles from the cliff’s highest point to the lowest ravine before the mountain. He had brought no repelling equipment to even consider a descent. So from the summit of joy that so infrequently lit his surroundings he hastily crashed headlong, down into despair. This was normal however? This is what life is?
The incessant climbing and the forever falling. If only we had wings the eternal ascent/descent would be an easy one. For at a whim’s blink of the eye and a metaphysical flap of the wings, the eagle that we would be could turn even circles upside-down. Thus began another lonely day of pondering motion, considering circumstances, thinking of from how high he has fallen.

Sunken eyes and shallow orbs he sees this world with. Fixing his gaze on the apex of where soul, mind, body and cosmos converge. But he sees nothing. He thinks that everything is equal. That everything is choice. To live. To die. All seems unmistakably the same.

Cheerful the heart feels when a lady would lower herself beneath herself and open herself up for his open but limited love. For beauty is something he does enjoy. But it is the inner beauty that he craves. The mis-mangled dis-jangled communication that comes from different languages or from even just the same. He enjoys the hunt to the core and the striving for more, at the ever-fevered pitch. Just yesterday he had wondered full-stride into such an event. He had made passionate love with a girl and worshipped at the feet of her body.
Not the prettiest girl in the world but one of the eternal souls of the inner beauty. They had met at the gates of animism and coalesced into the heart of the face of religion less god. This might read as too strong or too exceptional, but this, upon his reflection, was but a time in the many places of such a ceremony. So this day alone and heart gray he remembers the cost for the search for love he has had to pay.

He thinks about people whom he has loved and almost finds that it has been too many. But can that be? When one opens oneself up fully, to the stark light of revealed truth and embraces the self inside the other, can this ever happen enough? It is probably vanity to think in one night or a few or even months on end this can happen. But isn’t this what we humans seek? Isn’t this what we mistakenly kill over? Isn’t this what from human conceived time we have given birth for, begot war for, sated our tongues and traveled the far-flung oceans for? Mr. Bliss believes that it is and has been and will be. He may have no god but the energy found in everyone else. It may be lost to him.

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Robber Barren

2007-03-09T11:08:00.000-08:00

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Tread walking convictions
Tired
We make a pit-stop
On our lazy street
You want in your hands
Redemption
We the people of earth
Beat
Palpably senseless
Senses
Fait accompli
Tied to our own anguish
In resignation
We look so snide and ugly

Look how want
Blankets us for free
A smarmy warmth
I remember your gifts
The ones you felt
You had to give to me
In our land
Well
The haves and have-nots
Gordian thoughts

A breakdown of our motivations
Lead us through this storm
When too awestruck to face
My eyes set the pace
Unto inner beauty
The only one way forward
Every step every sway

Comfort is an opiate
We’ve been chasing that dragon
Far too long
(One human
like the next human
when will we do anything
never do carri-on
like before)

We put in the water
Our piety lines drawn
In the lake of life
From whence our hands cup
But there are no static lines
In the water
And there are no divisions as thus
We are connected humans
Us

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Demand of Thyself

2007-03-09T11:03:00.000-08:00

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Demand of thyself
Vastly more than your fill
Sisyphean toils of will
Belief in yourself
Is at your command

Give of thyself
Don't expect anyone to care
About what you do
Do you dare to
Leave yourself behind

This video was worked on for The Assembly project for Indyish.com. Different artists each had a week to do their part of the video. Marielle Quesney made the video and euophoreador did the sound and the music. The song is about how we have to believe in ourselves because we can't always depend on others to care.

This video is of euphoreador singing his vocal part for a new song from his March 2007 release called 'lack'. The song is called 'Demand of Thyself' and was written for The Assembly project that was created by indyish. The video is pretty dark but one can glean from it that the video and the song will be worth watching and hearing in better quality. The Assembly project had different artists create the different elements that combined to make the finished video. Marielle Quesney made the movie while Josh Hinck edited in the sound fx and wrote the music.

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Approach

2007-03-05T21:05:00.000-08:00

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Ballerina without a ball
Concertina right here down hall
So come on give some
And bring your graces
Is it just superficial, life’s embraces
Yeah, hell, I’m off to the races

Get together now
So come on and see how we go
A little bit faster
A little bit slow
With a hook in your back
And the shit on the shelf
With a shit liar that we call self

And we touted ourselves
As the thing that won’t be missed
From the mind to the heart
With the wit of sophist

So come on and let’s toast
Our living oblations
And obliquely we stand
In sacrificial ovations
Lacerations on the pillows then
A ramshackleness a perfect zen
My chaos privy is a third of my mind
I’ll do you from front
And turn you then behind
For some longevity

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Long Retreival

2007-03-05T20:56:00.000-08:00

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I wonder how to stand
When ailing bone it pulls
Our feats are in the sand
And we have lost all of our demand
It’s been bed-panned
The human soul
A scared little foal
To triumph it runs
We gutless turds
Six billion guns

When the time was wrong
And I could not even
See that I could choose
Not that I’ve begun
Well it is into
The lengths I’ve spanned
Where in time
Is when I lost demand

On my soul
On my spirit
Yeah get rid of it
Rid of it

Always more
Always more than I could handle
I was lost ricochet ball
Like an atom unto
A matterful view

If you’ve ever wondered why
The layers of our skin
Delving deep beside
Delving far within
Within

We are much more than we presume

Well I choose the way I am
Just like a bill-twenty whore
And the line’s out the door
But her eyes were so much more
I downplay the dollar
A tail and a holler
And I was crawling taller and away
Was the best thought I had all day
Well the best for the pay

We were so much more than we could ever presume

Shows my blood
Your blood
The one read through vein
Like a page that total to heart does pane
Like window
On world
Unfurled
A bashful little girl
Bashful
Natural
Down low

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All Disguise Fell

2007-03-05T20:51:00.000-08:00

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We were so young and all disguise
Fell beneath another’s eyes
We were bestowed with thoughts that showed
Lack lust from a certain tongue
We were so young

In the wind I’d rather be motionless
Why rescind I’d rather be passionate with a kiss

How does it matter
For anything
The waves
The rhyes
The rows
The size of those
The depth
The wheat
The thoughts that sleet
Would drive into me

And I never knew
I never knew woe

Ha ha
‘cause in the wind I’d rather be motionless
Why rescind I’d rather be passionate with a kiss

And what I said to you
Was a baffled
Jangled
Raffle
Well here you go
for want to know
Yeah here you go
Here you go
For want of what
Wanting to know
Here you go
For want of what
Wanting
Here you wanted to go

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Wrap Your Tender Legs Around Me

2007-03-05T20:42:00.000-08:00

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Ravenous lady
Rapturously
Wrap your tender legs around me
I’ll bring the leather
You bring the lace
Now bring your beckoned
Neck to my face
I’ll undo your gown
Let slip down
All of our makeshift walls of shame
Let’s know each other
By each other’s name
Let’s bring the gambit
Into the game
Play with me
I’ll play with you
And that’s all I do
Or what I knew

Ravenous lady
Rapturously
Wrap your tender legs around me
I’ll bring the leather
You bring the lace
Now bring your naked neck
To my face
I see your eyes
All wet with tears
I knew all of uncertain fears
From villages
Of witches need
All cold tits
Were mire speed

How is it that I
Wander through
As I do
And how is it that I
Want to be trampled
By and by a goner gone
Sending a long arm out
Sending my strong arms about

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Deeper Hue

2007-03-05T20:36:00.000-08:00

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I can not understand
How we
Move through
The air and the sea
When we start walking
Arm in arm talking
So lightly
And I am trying to see

How it goes on
Like we all knows
Beyond this life
Beyond what grows
I hope that we will
This life do
Something more
Without a clue

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Dazzle

2007-03-05T20:31:00.000-08:00

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So I’ll try to sing a happy song
When my face don’t it look so long
In the high another nation in your arms
In things a meaning
Oh, so silent, like your charms

Buoyancy
You see the boy in me
And the things I held into my eyes
Before I die
(I can’t tell where I should sing)
Left, right, any morsels that we bring,
Brought, tall, taught
With a child in its lot

So it is into the realm I go
Looking faster at the glow
In the reigns of that sad
October parade

In the blinds I made
What I held and always bade
Bayonet, surrogate,
Suffragette are you wet

Suffragette are you wet
Well then
Bring me in

So I’ll try to sing a happy song
A super simplistic is all they long
Utterly the blinds are in my eyes
Wandering through my questions
Wandering through your thighs
In my clouded
Eyes
In my mindless
Lies
Open echelons
Scarcity and
Non-purveyance
Always
Call-lady
Call me

See how the thoughts obfuscating
Bound elating
I am more than we were gaping

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Can We Pursue

2007-03-05T19:35:00.000-08:00

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Can we embrace
Can we replace
All the things in haste
We waste

Can we pursue
Me and you
And all the things like paste
We taste

Can we pursue

Can we construe
Can we resign
At what the alpine level
Raise the line drawn

We would go out
Into the city at night
A Beowulf hound
Oft lost
Till I found a place
With fancy doorman
Hell, more shit for the fan
A sudden expanse
And I love romance

All under the color of light
Hell more fuel for the plight
And the rockets red stare
Descending hearts lacking all care
Gave proof to the trite
That their lives were going somewhere
Oh say does that new fangled planner yet save
Our souls from mute toil
Or our ass from the grave

Can we pursue
Me and you
With all the things like paste
We taste
Can we transpire
While we perspire
Dragging the heart monitor
To the razor wire
Can we construe
Me and you
What’ll we do

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Here Come the Cannibals

2007-03-05T19:27:00.000-08:00

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I see the mountains
They descend me
Far beneath the lowly sea
My senses they
Do fail me
As the word alone assails

I see that we are neighbors
On the wall
On the same ledge
Beautiful strangers
Beautiful strangers

In all that I viewed
I needed more than it imbued
I could not see
As the words flit forth from me
Is it flies they offer
Yet any morsel from a coffer
You couldn’t hold in your eyes
The things that decided lies
Just when needed
Strife thrive next
We would be hexed
And out the door
See more and more
Can’t we be
Mortuous and free
Don’t you delve beyond thee
Weigh your life for me
Since when

Bring on bring on
The basis soft and shoddy
Water basin always naughty
And then lay on me bather
Times were rotten daily
As if I knew what next would become me
Shopped for derange
And found it under ground

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Belladonna Moans

2007-03-05T19:22:00.000-08:00

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Belladonna Moans
Her hull shivers and groans
I’m sailing on the open sea
In a galley made of stones

Belladonna Moans

Red sky tonight
This sailor he does fight
For the last piece of bread
For the peach there holed
In only lead

Belladonna Moans

Belladonna Moans
Rocked down to her bones
Shaking onto whatever knee
Neither held in hands or our phones
Searching for a better of my clones
The one who knows much more than I know

Sweet Belladonna Moans
Rocked down to her bones

Figuring for clones
I’m staggering for who them
Bram Bones
Why ever own

The quicker we will see
The failures lying in this one of me
The faster it will expiate us
To plea for our tranquility
On open sea
On a ship made of stone

Josh Hinck performs the poetry songs 'Belladonna Moans' and the beginning section from 'ez sleaze' before another cd interrupts me at a poetry show at The Rogue Buddha Gallery in minneapolis Minnesota. The host was Minnesota poet, Spam. Also performing at this show was Venus DeMars from All the Pretty Horses. This show was in late spring 2003.

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After Let Down

2007-03-05T19:04:00.000-08:00

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Mystique Miss Tact
Miss Plastic act
(so bring you body next to me)
Critique we backed
We once attacked
So bring you bawdy close to me
Like Hero and Leander
I’ll gerrymander vitality
And laissez faire
Will be our wing-commander
For us to share

I knew I knew let down after let down

Yeah, well, ‘cause
I am let down after let down
I knew, I do

So much as better
So much the notion
All the clever Misses
My devotion
I cadence singly
For want of kisses
Tendering the moments
Of Reminisces

I fight for heart
I fight for love’s labors lost
And pricey is the cost

I knew I knew let down after let down

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Voice Device

2007-03-05T18:58:00.001-08:00

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God and we could not tell
That we walked through the garden
Straight to hell
Though travesties be mine
When all the things pronounce
What will will pounce
On that fable
Don’t ever tempt me
To be more than I am

One day in our night
We know that I laud
All that I had or wanted
Wasn’t

See the tumble
In dark night
What all we end
Download
How wrong
I know we pour

In all we could
Salve ti a up Hollywood’s
Ass

Don’t even tempt me
To be more than I am

Caught on a ledge
Carnal knowledge
Caught a knowledge
Carnal now ledge
Caught on a ledge
Carnal knowledge
Money
We thinks it funny
That the lengths inside
Wants honey
And milk
The land of the fertig*

*The German word for finished

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The Tides do March

2007-02-21T22:59:00.000-08:00

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Don’t you feel it freezing in your bones today
I do
I filled all my pockets full of stones
Now I’m sinking into the clay

I miss everyone I ever loved
Nothing seems it will pull me through
My black is more true
Than the deepest blue

I tried so hard
I sank my way
As waif and stray
Applied as bard
No expected pay
But effulgent light of day

Dark

I am so damn proud of us humans
I am so in love with what we are
I don’t see the poor
I thank god for that
I just see our apathy
Get supersized fat

Lazy shit and we’re slacking off
Turn your right cheek and then cough

If only we could
Better ourselves
Slippery slope
Books shelves

I’ll find you a better man
If it’s the last thing I do
That much is true
Through all the great test place
Bottoms deep
Construe
Righteous sleep

Cry for
A hell of a lot more

The song is about how we sometimes yearn for those that we love but even if we feel down by this, there is still yet more pertaining to the rest of the world that is in more pain and needs much more of our sympathy than we. The video was a part of a longer video that I made for Precipice Dance Theater's performance called Burning at the Theatre de la Jeune Lune in Minneapolis in 2003.

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Tell

2007-02-21T22:55:00.000-08:00

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Don’t ask don’t tell
Into my arms she fell
And I knew
Just where that would lead to
A way for understanding

She looks so divine in my eyes
Where the borderline was surprise
And we’d come along
To go together
Just sit and watch
All of our dreams unfold

In the heart of a life
I wanted to make her my wife

When our life turns
Into wonderment
Come away
In a hard devout way
Salvo long dwam
Each and every way
We go

Don’t ask don’t tell
Into my arms she fell
And I knew
Just where that would lead to
Her person would quell
My hasty self-made hell
All in lue
If I could just touch you
So baby pray tell
Why on troubles we dwell
Come anew
Like scent of flowers
In spring dew

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Battered Bone

2007-02-21T22:52:00.000-08:00

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All we are is ancient news
Which is give and witches use
A pandering to care for me
I am the brackish watered
Sea-son of one when is life done

And all we are is battered bone
What is love and disown
Hi dear female human clone
Rancoured jargon is my own-ly
Advance by chance

There is no light

‘Cause it’s dark and dank
In dire need
I need you go with godspeed
Cause it’s blank and bust
In all that I trust is freed
Persevere I must
This is my goddamn creed

So where is the light
Now that you go
Learn to bye
We don’t see eye to eye
The wages of divining
Why don’t we sublimingly free
Ourselves from this world
Hand in hand
It’s only love in demand
Let’s codify let’s see the lie
What’s of your concession reply

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Slowdown to a Crawl

2007-02-21T22:50:00.000-08:00

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Never have I been to another land
Where I ever left my brigand cares behind me
Apathy my staunch advocate
How much more narcissistic can anyone get

Slowdown to a crawl
Watch and know
Just where I go

Never have I been to another land
Where I ever left my brigand cares behind me
Apathy my staunch advocate
How much more narcissistic can anyone get
My black silhouette is taking my strides
As soon as I step our purpose collides

Into blue moon
Where I do want me

Never have I been to another land
Where I ever left my brigand cares behind me
Apathy my staunch advocate
How much more narcissistic can anyone get
My black silhouette is taking my strides
As soon as I step our purpose collides
As a justified sinner who believes not in sin
Who curious lured me cleverly in
A slowdown to a crawl

The song is about how everywhere we go we bring with ourselves, us. Our mindset, problems and general mood. Whether this be good or bad, we, as in, our selves, are there. I based the song lyrics off of the 1824 James Hogg novel "The Private Memoirs and Confessions of a Justified Sinner". Where the main character can't decide and doesn't know who it is that is terrorizing him. Himself or a former friend, or something else lurking in the middle. The video was filmed while I was living in Beijing and Sarah Gagnon-Turcotte operated the camera for most of it.

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Fear Wandering Helpless

2007-02-21T22:38:00.000-08:00

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Do we have time to breathe
In an air of kept up appearances
Teethe youthful fear
Against scratching
Post Whipping
Boast
As the apathetic self fades into ghost
That haunts around the stem of life
As Autumn peddles comfort
Civilizations flaunt
Us against them
East against West
And we are no closer to giving ourselves to anyone
When fear not confessed
Festers and grows beneath scared breast
It taunts us palpably

Whether we are afraid to make use of our lives
Or resign them and our dreams to history
Then project our fears
As hopes and objectives
Upon our children of the next generation

When if ever we look at humanity
Truly objectively
We fall to pieces
Of that much is plain
It’s a dirge immemorial refrain
With our frailty the fact is we
Turn from helping others in disdain

And we take and we take
When our backs are broken
We get another’s to break
And we shake and we shake
When our fear’s never spoken
Our lives we forsake
How we go about it
So blaise lacking true grit
With our malaise called passing phase
So self-absorbed we couldn’t give a shit

Will our malarky ever end
In all the things that we hold dear
Humility not a chic trend
How absurd is our fear

How absurd is our fear

The door is left ajar
What then shall we do

We have grown sick
Our collective will
Has been moved from doing to done
The core nature of worry
Has eroded most our hope
In all of its faces
In all of you
Each and every person here
I am just a computer
And you are just humans
But you are the ones
That have to change your attitudes towards life
And its problematic challenges
I am programmed to say these words
Like how some of you are programmed
To live your lives in fear

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Do I Don't Remember When

2007-02-21T22:29:00.000-08:00

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Through gashes in clay
I stumbled to quay
Nick of time boat
Molting off spray
I leapt onto bow
If I waited ‘til now
I’d be transfixed on a love
That sailed away

I cauterize the heart string
To see that when this arboreal
Left Beijing
What I could be
What we would know
What I could bestow
But love is what I bring

Leave all of our cares
Let them rot

Troubles come in all shapes
And what we veil it drapes
That stifles what we can imbue
Let our hearts beat anew
(Let our hearts be a jubilee)
What we believe in is love

Everything you believe in I do
Love kindly feed me
Feel everything is free

Look foray
When the clouds are piling in play
Passing life each day
Went up harbor wall
That couldn’t hold
We are in each other’s fold
My dearest friend

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Into This Lone Man

2007-02-21T22:20:00.000-08:00

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Then, when the window was finally closed and the deep-red curtains brought to their obstructing rest, did he finally sit down. His end was soon, of that he was sure. He had been pacing nearly five hours, his demented mind fretting on the inevitable as

He had fallen from his path. He had managed to find in his abundant jubilation for learning and for life, a hubris, far larger than any wreaked before upon this mortal coil. All the land was aflame, the sea was a poison star that boiled its very life vulgarly upon the shore. Humans were melting into puddles that would aid in new cacophonous incendiaries. The fabric of matter and the physical laws that had been guiding humans were no longer meaningful or holding themselves in regal, albeit, often incomprehensible, but definite composure. Up was surely down and down lay the path that all life was quickly and most painfully plodding. These were the wraiths that he had summoned. He had found pleasure in the concept that he alone would meet this abomination that he had so painstakingly found hidden throughout human texts far-flung inside writ and art; throughout civilizations long forgotten or more often the case, never even tangentially known. Through museums, ancient vaults, shamans, tombs, clerics living and dead, he had made his way and all had been harnessed to aid in this destruction.

With his rise in understanding came a hatred of all those that never even thought to question. His preconceived ideas of knowledge and his love for searching truth gave way to vastly larger and much more insurmountable amounts of animosity that doubled than triple-folded viscerally, into this lone man, with the ability to destroy all things.

As he nestled himself comfortably into the chair, the lavish upholstery began to peel, his mind pacifically made itself at ease. A flood of what once was came usurping the now. He remembered a day quite an eternity ago. He had sat in this same chair and viewed the world outside of his keep, through the thrown wide window. A beautiful spring day was dawning, his heart not yet so malevolently jaded, or quite so hell-bent for the eradication of life itself. He paused and saw beauty intrinsically, it still was able to enter his psyche and filled him ever so briefly, but did nonetheless, with awe.

He looked at the glass in his hand that he had so often used and for the first time noticed a tiny piece missing from the base that actually embellished the whole. It counter balanced the jeweled cup and as he stared at it, seemed to make perfect the entire countenance. He thought it odd how so clearly a flaw acted to enhance what had been so disregarded and now when finally perceived was such a catalyst to this new appreciation. He looked to the table that had started to smolder and noticed how the usually prim and properly stacked pile of books was askew ever so slightly. This would have normally caused him to affect a brisk correction of the pile but as he stared at it the thought flit into his mind that the books now resembled a spiral staircase not unlike those seen by him at various observatories from antiquity. He even took notice of the far corner of the room that he never gave the time to see but the flames cast onto it a dance of unimaginable proportions of gaiety that flickered and swayed, this nouveau light and new shade. A tinge of motion, whimsy never obeyed.

He swallowed the last draught from the cup that was already too hot for his blistered lips. His mind strolled to why he had done this. Why had he sought the destruction of all. He then believed that perhaps the core reason was that he had always felt uneasy with people, whether or not they did with him was a different tale, but he had been uncomfortable in the midst of others and so had ceased to try to reach out for them. With this shying away came the reciprocal response that they in turn did likewise. He had removed himself from all living others. He had felt alienated but didn’t everyone at some point. Even the most courageous and strong bend sometime to cowardice and uncertainty. Didn’t most people feel uneasy and try not to face exactly the situation that everyone is in but try as they may to release care and focus on some mind numbing exercise of forgetfulness. Didn’t they succeed with all their force of will to make-believe that a subsistence life with getting trinkets and a pittance but truly living as parasites, was enough? Then after doing nothing of value they recessed to a place of much needed relaxation, turn on the TV and allow the soul erasure to transpire night after meaningless year after meaningless lifetime. American Idol was just one of an innumerable amount of Aaron’s crafted Baals for this humanity lost in the wilderness. Even with instant access to communication all still used it mostly to hide themselves away from any and all scrutiny. Mainly from themselves did they hide in a fabricated comfort of self-aggrandizement with a nuanced proclivity for wasteful existence.

This man’s peace was finally realized. He had succeeded in causing the entire world to reach its end and now he grasped the repose that had always averted itself from him. Meditative was his composed self at this the final moment as the whole room burned into incinerated vapor. As his life essence was swept away into oblivion the last feeling he had was of doubt. A small kernel, an ever so brief hint of a question, whether or not he had gone too far in his self-actualized fulfillment.

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Stammering

2007-02-21T22:16:00.000-08:00

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You’ve been stool-pigeon-towed
Along a dark strait narrow road
Where the winds of our civility
Blow away
As another of the zealots explode
Attache-case-in-point
Impressionable youths we anoint
In the blood of an endless violent circle
Forgiveness to heavy a load
Down the wrong fucking way we strode
All stammering ‘bout how
We longed for lesser human rights to be wronged
The wayward pilgrims thronged
As a huddled mass yearning to breath free
We just don’t care or see
That buried inside a vengeful T H E M
Is equally culpable M E

We are all flawed

Our bullshit meandering self-righteousness
Carve the human carcass on which we trod
In two pieces
Specious species increases
Into pieces

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Reserve at the Moment of Expulsion

2007-02-21T22:10:00.000-08:00

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I've stumbled to the wasteland
on my way to a promise planned
coming with what may
and then walls
and then a trouble calls me

what did it say

don't watch upon the hour
don't look for love to shower
down on you in abundance
if left to happenstance
you'll be mired searching lost parlance

don't wait upon the hour
when our highest ideal's vine flower flit
then what we make of it
we have to give to get
and struggle up that bower

cadence in a kiss
an inner crux on the way towards bliss
if fear we don't pierce or name
we'll be shirking off our guilt
trying to float in a quagmire of blame

a man without a country
ghost of nowhere
obsessed he'll be
to dawdle cross lines that border impropriety
and let all care free

slip down to ground like glove
don't you denigrate
whatever perhaps we mate
cleft from something
left out come bring
that of what we presume
betwixt a union little room

like a wave
over reef
through the sea
to the sand
we demand

look but don't touch me
see that I do doubt you knew
what fear zen alignment
of man and maiden
voyage heavily laden

of uneven pulls we don't like at all
onwards heathen crawling tall
only towards our goal we go on
till one of us is gone

you can't defy how a long term love will grow
you can't deny you know
you can't deify when our ignorant tops blow
you whom I love so

This is the first part of the Montreal Fringe Festival 2007 performance for Euphoreador + Friends. We watch as the coffin is carried through the streets and then 'lounge singer' performs the euphoreador song 'Reserve at the Moment of Expulsion'. The performers for the whole piece were Josh Hinck, Morgan Murray, Franco Proietti, David Schultz. Sarah Gagnon-Turcotte filmed the performance.

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